As I lay here in my new normal of sleeplessness, I find myself reflecting on the life that we currently know as ours... I am up typing, in the middle of the night, in a dead silent, perfectly cleaned and put together house. This is not going to be my life, our lives, anymore in a few short months.
When I think of all of the ways Kevin and my life together is going to change, I have mixed emotions. Sure, we simply cannot wait to meet Kilian and begin our lives as a family, our lives as parents that we have so desperately wanted for so many years, but a tiny bit of me is saddened too.
Kevin and I have such a system in our marriage and the way we run this house. We drop everything at the chance to travel anywhere together, and we see eye to eye for our future. We devote time every day to being good pet owners and we "tuck in" and kiss ours girls goodnight every single night while they lay on their beds smooching on them. We wake up early on days that the sun is shining and make the trek down the big hill to Safeway to buy coffees and sit outside people watching before heading back up the hill. We have common hobbies. We like having a clean, organized, matching house. And we value time spent with family/friends/neighbors.
As I was thinking about all of these things, I can't help but wonder how many of them are going to have to change in three months? I can't stand to think that our girls will feel neglected. Or that we won't be able to travel anymore. I hate that I have been told by everyone that our house will no longer look the way it does. But most of all, I am devastated to think that Kevin and I may not sit and talk the way we do. That my relationship with my best friend is going to change. Does it have to? Will it be for the better?
I am asking that our friends and family help us to remember who we have been the last 5.5 years of marriage. When we lose track of each other and our relationship because our day-to-day is too crazy, I need a reminder that that is simply not ok. I know loving Kilian will be easy, but I mustn't forget that before he was here, loving Kev was my job, and it was my favorite thing about my life. We need to remain each other's best friends and our communication has to be key.
I think we will be able to remember these things... I hope, but I am still scared. I talked to Kev about this the other night and he responded to me "Babe, I have no fears about our new life. I could not be more excited and ready for the changes to come for us."
See why I love him? He is my rock. And I never want "us" to change.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Baby Love...
It truly touches my heart to see how many people already love our little Kilian.
When people pick up gifts on vacations for him, or see something that looks just like something we would wear/love it makes my heart feel warm and fuzzy. My amazing friends/family that are willing to throw me baby showers, or even just attend them, shows what a great support system we have. Even the simple "I cannot wait to meet him!" coming from someone who isn't even our family just blows my mind.
Our road has been long and I have always wanted to make sure that we share him with all the people who have been a part of this journey. I finally feel like we might actually be able to do that. And I could not be happier nor feel more fulfilled knowing that others love him and are as excited as we are about him being a part of our family. What better gift can we give our child than a huge group of family and friends who genuinely care for him and will be there for him?
We are lucky. And so is Kilian.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
November
For some reason, I have not been too great about keeping up on my blog, however I'm not really sure what my excuse is...
We have been busy, but without me working full time it seems as though I should have time for everything to get done. Somehow, I don't.
November started off a little scary for us, with some preterm labor scares that ended up being an infection that was easily taken care of (no thanks to a three and a half hour trip to urgency care one Sunday). I was put on restrictions for about a week, and then everything seemed to go back to normal. Thank you Lord, for that!!! I am blessed enough that during this time, I could sit around my house all day, and make dr appt at any time of the day because I didn't have to worry about going to work. That has been such a relief. Now that things are ok, I will get back in the swing of things!
A few weeks later, my mom had to undergo a serious surgery. This has been something that I have dreaded and avoided talking much about for the last six months. I couldn't stand to give it thought. She had a tumor in her neck, that they were concerned had connected itself to all of the things in her neck that they did not want to have to cut through. Until they got in, they had no idea how bad it would really be. As it turned out, it was best case scenario all the way around, and they ended up not having to cut through any of it. My mom is honestly the toughest person I know, and was able to go home less than 24 hours after surgery even though they thought she would not leave faster than four days. Kev and I have been hanging out at her house, trying to help her out, but her recovery has been kind of a breeze for her. What a total blessing for our entire family. And a HUGE relief!!!!! It was also so comforting to see how many people love and supported her through this process. Thank you all for that!
As far as our normal life, Kev and I have just been doing as much as possible to prepare for this little baby to show up in a few short months. We have been working like crazy in the nursery, painting, decorating, and building and crafting things to be just perfect. Kevin made an adorable book shelf, then we made a lamp to match the bedding, and a dog bed to match the bedding for Rahja to sleep in. She is so cute, sneaking down the hall nightly to check the nursery for her baby brother. Once she is actually able to find a baby in there we know it may be difficult to ever get her out of that room. That's why we created a spot just for her in there. Nala has no interest in hanging out in there so we figured she wouldn't need one :) Here is a picture of the bookshelf, the lamp, and the bed...
With this upcoming holiday upon us, which by the way we are so excited to spend with family, I think of all the things I have to be thankful for this year (no, I will not bore you with that list) and I can honestly say that I have never had a list this long in my life. It has been a challenging but amazing year for us, and we will take the time to give thanks for those things on Thursday as well as every other day!
We have been busy, but without me working full time it seems as though I should have time for everything to get done. Somehow, I don't.
November started off a little scary for us, with some preterm labor scares that ended up being an infection that was easily taken care of (no thanks to a three and a half hour trip to urgency care one Sunday). I was put on restrictions for about a week, and then everything seemed to go back to normal. Thank you Lord, for that!!! I am blessed enough that during this time, I could sit around my house all day, and make dr appt at any time of the day because I didn't have to worry about going to work. That has been such a relief. Now that things are ok, I will get back in the swing of things!
A few weeks later, my mom had to undergo a serious surgery. This has been something that I have dreaded and avoided talking much about for the last six months. I couldn't stand to give it thought. She had a tumor in her neck, that they were concerned had connected itself to all of the things in her neck that they did not want to have to cut through. Until they got in, they had no idea how bad it would really be. As it turned out, it was best case scenario all the way around, and they ended up not having to cut through any of it. My mom is honestly the toughest person I know, and was able to go home less than 24 hours after surgery even though they thought she would not leave faster than four days. Kev and I have been hanging out at her house, trying to help her out, but her recovery has been kind of a breeze for her. What a total blessing for our entire family. And a HUGE relief!!!!! It was also so comforting to see how many people love and supported her through this process. Thank you all for that!
As far as our normal life, Kev and I have just been doing as much as possible to prepare for this little baby to show up in a few short months. We have been working like crazy in the nursery, painting, decorating, and building and crafting things to be just perfect. Kevin made an adorable book shelf, then we made a lamp to match the bedding, and a dog bed to match the bedding for Rahja to sleep in. She is so cute, sneaking down the hall nightly to check the nursery for her baby brother. Once she is actually able to find a baby in there we know it may be difficult to ever get her out of that room. That's why we created a spot just for her in there. Nala has no interest in hanging out in there so we figured she wouldn't need one :) Here is a picture of the bookshelf, the lamp, and the bed...
Kev also repainted that little bear piggy bank to match the room. It was given to him from his grandmother for his first Christmas and we cherish the fact that now it will be passed on to his son.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Snips, snails and puppy dog tails.
As I'm sure you've all seen by now, but we are having a little boy!!!!! We could not be more excited to get started on everything that is a baby boy... But here is how we decided to find out.
On Tuesday, the 16th we had our anatomy ultrasound. We asked her to not tell us the gender during this appt., so when she went between the legs, she had us turn our heads and she printed off the pictures and put them in a sealed envelope. On the way home from our appt we met our photographer and passed off the top secret envelope.
Wednesday, the 17th, (my b-day) we met our photographer at the gazebo where the secret box was. We closed our eyes and opened them only as we opened the box revealing the blue balloons, all as she snapped away!!! Here are a couple of proofs from that day...
To say we were shocked is an understatement. Although looking back, I'm not sure why. From the beginning we both thought boy. When we saw the 12 week ultrasound it looked just like a little Kevin. But somewhere around 14 or 15 weeks I changed my mind and was SO sure it was a girl. I thought my body was totally telling me. Even when I saw that little baby on our 18 week ultrasound and he was laying with one arm over his head (JUST like Kevin sleeps every single night) and one leg kicked up on the side of my uterus just hanging out, it didn't hit me that I was looking at an 8 ounce version of my husband. Looking back, I should have known!
It took us a little while to wrap our minds around the fact that it was a boy because I had convinced us both that it was a girl, but by Friday night, when we presented my mom with the picture of us opening the box, we had completely gotten into the boy mindset :) Our parents had no idea we were doing this, or even that we knew yet, so it was a fun little surprise for them as well!
Also, in case you were wondering, our girls are thrilled with this news!!!! Rahja now has a constant playmate who does not have to leave every third day for work, and Nala can still by my baby girl. They both got what they wanted :)
Now, if only we could speed up these next 4.5 months so we can hold him and see him in real life!!!! We have all these emotions and ideals about what life is going to be like with this little guy, and we can't wait to get it all started!
On Tuesday, the 16th we had our anatomy ultrasound. We asked her to not tell us the gender during this appt., so when she went between the legs, she had us turn our heads and she printed off the pictures and put them in a sealed envelope. On the way home from our appt we met our photographer and passed off the top secret envelope.
Wednesday, the 17th, (my b-day) we met our photographer at the gazebo where the secret box was. We closed our eyes and opened them only as we opened the box revealing the blue balloons, all as she snapped away!!! Here are a couple of proofs from that day...
To say we were shocked is an understatement. Although looking back, I'm not sure why. From the beginning we both thought boy. When we saw the 12 week ultrasound it looked just like a little Kevin. But somewhere around 14 or 15 weeks I changed my mind and was SO sure it was a girl. I thought my body was totally telling me. Even when I saw that little baby on our 18 week ultrasound and he was laying with one arm over his head (JUST like Kevin sleeps every single night) and one leg kicked up on the side of my uterus just hanging out, it didn't hit me that I was looking at an 8 ounce version of my husband. Looking back, I should have known!
It took us a little while to wrap our minds around the fact that it was a boy because I had convinced us both that it was a girl, but by Friday night, when we presented my mom with the picture of us opening the box, we had completely gotten into the boy mindset :) Our parents had no idea we were doing this, or even that we knew yet, so it was a fun little surprise for them as well!
Also, in case you were wondering, our girls are thrilled with this news!!!! Rahja now has a constant playmate who does not have to leave every third day for work, and Nala can still by my baby girl. They both got what they wanted :)
Now, if only we could speed up these next 4.5 months so we can hold him and see him in real life!!!! We have all these emotions and ideals about what life is going to be like with this little guy, and we can't wait to get it all started!
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
It's... October?!?!?!
Where has the time gone?!?! Life around here has been flying by for all of us. Here's a little update...
We have set some financial goals that we want to accomplish by the time that Gummy Bear gets here, and because of those Kevin has been working his tail off. I literally see him for a few hours in the evenings, and that's about it. He spent over 70 hours painting someone's house for them, then painted their shed, is now painting their kids' shed, and then is painting a railing at someone else's house, only to go back and do more work for the first people. He cannot get enough time in the day. And although it has been a blessing to us for making extra money, I absolutely hate how much he has been gone. There are always things around here that need done too and I try to get them done for him as much as possible but some things are just "Kevin jobs," He never even complains (which I think he deserves to do) and me and the girls could not be more thankful for him and his work ethic.
We did however, talk him into taking a day off so we could drive to the beach for the day and it was so worth it! Going to Cannon Beach has always been our little mind clear, and the place we go to refocus on our family. The girls ADORE going there-as Rahja cries for the last 20 minutes of the drive every time. Kevin and I love to sit in the sand and laugh at their sheer happiness all day.
We have set some financial goals that we want to accomplish by the time that Gummy Bear gets here, and because of those Kevin has been working his tail off. I literally see him for a few hours in the evenings, and that's about it. He spent over 70 hours painting someone's house for them, then painted their shed, is now painting their kids' shed, and then is painting a railing at someone else's house, only to go back and do more work for the first people. He cannot get enough time in the day. And although it has been a blessing to us for making extra money, I absolutely hate how much he has been gone. There are always things around here that need done too and I try to get them done for him as much as possible but some things are just "Kevin jobs," He never even complains (which I think he deserves to do) and me and the girls could not be more thankful for him and his work ethic.
We did however, talk him into taking a day off so we could drive to the beach for the day and it was so worth it! Going to Cannon Beach has always been our little mind clear, and the place we go to refocus on our family. The girls ADORE going there-as Rahja cries for the last 20 minutes of the drive every time. Kevin and I love to sit in the sand and laugh at their sheer happiness all day.
We were so excited to tell Gummy Bear that this is "our place" and how much he/she will love going there on sunny days off. Just like the girls do!
This trip was a little different for us because as we sat there with our girls we realized that this would probably be our last time there without Gummy in our lives. We usually go in October and then not again until the spring. By spring, Gummy will be here. As exciting as that is, part of us realized at that moment just how different life would be. We have had five years of this version of "life" and it is going to be different for us to include someone else in our little pack of four. However, we are sure that Gummy will soon become our new leader :)
As far as my life goes, I have been subbing whenever people ask me, and I tutor four kiddos a week. It is nice to feel like I have all this new found freedom, but I would rather be enjoying it with Kev. With my Masters behind me and no full time job, much of my time is spent thinking about and preparing for a life with Gummy. Unfortunately I have started a new sleeping routine of being awake from 2 until about 5 each night so it has been really nice to be able to take mornings slowly.
Although I am not as busy as I like to be, I am looking at this time as a total blessing because I am getting to spend so much time with my girls, getting things done around my house, and Kev- when he's around, all things that I know might change in five short months. We try to go on walks every night that Kev is home, where Kevin and I can talk, plan and dream about our future together. We are lucky.
So if you haven't seen much of us, it's because we haven't had a whole lot of "us" lately. Things will slow down soon, once this weather turns to rain! This is going to be an exciting month for us so hopefully it all gets here soon!
In the meantime, I need to go make cookies for my hubby, and a second batch for my babies.
Until next time!!!!
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Remembrance
Today, September 11th, we fly a flag on our porch to remember this horrible day and the way our country was able to rally together to rebuild a devastated nation. For the families who lost loved ones on this day, and those of us who simply watched it on the television a nation away, it is a day none of us will ever forget. My fears on that day were my family members in the armed forces (Dad, Brother, Cousins) but my fears now days are that my husband, the rock of my world, or any of the other amazing families with PF&R, would ever have to face a day like the one those NYFD men/women faced 11 years ago. I know that the pain is not over for those families who have loved ones fighting across seas, and I wish they could all just be home, where they belong.
As we try to be patriotic, we sometimes aren't all that great at it. This day is always something I take the time to teach about in my classrooms; however our home sometimes lacks the acknowledgement of days like today. This year, however is different. We bought ourselves a flag... But not just any flag. This flag has special meaning to both of us, because it is a flag that was bought at Pearl Harbor in Hawaii this year. It was flow over the site of the USS Arizona on the anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor and then packaged up to sell. That was neat in itself. What makes it even more special to us, was that when Kevin's parents went to Hawaii, while his mom was pregnant with him, they bought one of these same flags that still flies at their house. Now our flag was from when Kevin was in Hawaii with his pregnant wife. Isn't that fun??? Especially because I think it's a boy too. :)
Anywho, this is a day in which to be thankful, and I for one, have a lot of things to be thankful for!!!!
Monday, September 3, 2012
From the beginning
Here are some pictures of Gummy Bear, starting from five days old...
First ultrasound... Five weeks
First sound of Gummy's heartbeat!!!! 7.5 weeks
9.5 weeks
AND now... 11.5 weeks
Crazy how much Gummy has changed SO quickly huh???
9.5 weeks
AND now... 11.5 weeks
Friday, August 24, 2012
Oh Gummy Bear....
All the heartache, was worth it.
All the 5:00 dr. appts to make it to work on time, worth it.
All the pain-both physical and emotional, worth it.
All the money, worth it.
All the determination that this would be our answer, worth it.
This baby is a lot of hard work, and strength,
but mostly an abundance of love.
I have wanted to blog since sharing our good news, but I really wanted to include all of our ultrasound pictures which I am still too lazy to scan into my computer. Finally I decided to just do it without them, I love my blog family too much to continue putting it off.
By now, I am sure you have read the news and seen our latest ultrasound picture... IVF WORKED!!!!! But let me assure you, even after knowing it worked, it has not been an easy road.
We found out on the way to the beach on July 10th, via phone call from ORM (Oregon Reproductive Clinic) that I had a positive pregnancy blood test that morning. I was in complete disbelief. It just sounded too good to be true, and after what we had been through on a previous pregnancy, I went directly from excitement to horrible fear. Fear of another loss, and another one of the biggest heartaches of my life. I tried to push it to the back of my mind, but this time was even more difficult seeing how there was also a mighty large price tag on this little thing, and I knew losing it would hurt even that much more.
In the midst of all of this, I started bleeding and cramping pretty badly. To the point where I thought it was all over with. I showed up at ORM on Monday morning, tears in eyes, and told them they needed to test everything because I thought I was losing the baby. They hastily went into action taking blood and called me shortly after to let me know that my HCG showed I wasn't losing the baby... Yet. They put me on some MORE magic progesterone and scheduled our first ultrasound a few days later to check for a sac with the beginnings of a baby in it. To say I was terrified is an understatement. It was a relief to see that little sac, but I knew we were far from out of the woods.
A little over two weeks later we went back to see if we could find a healthy heartbeat. If I thought the last appt was nerve wracking, I was wrong, because this one took the cake. I actually called and moved it back, trying to avoid hearing bad news. I sat in the waiting room begging Kevin to take me home, and went into the room shaking. A few minutes (which felt like hours) later the doctor had a little picture of the cutest gummy bear in history on the screen, and we heard the most beautiful sound in the world, Gummy Bear's strong heartbeat. Easily the best moment of my life thus far. Kevin and I both broke down into tears thinking that this journey just might actually bring our happy ending. With that little sound of a train chugging away, we were smitten. Still terrified, but feeling a little better to send us off to Hawaii. Peace of mind was something we desperately needed.
Once we were home it was one more ultrasound at ORM (to which I actually felt a little excited for, if you can believe that) and once again the sound of that little Gummy Bear. This time the heart rate had increase to 176 beats per minute and little Gummy Bear was dancing around like a happy little baby. This would be the appt we were told that we were ready to return to Kaiser... A scary, scary, sentence for us to hear. Sure, Kaiser is free, which would be nice, however these people were our lifeline. They created this baby in a dish, raised it for five days, put it back where it belonged, and saved us from losing it at 5 weeks. We did not want to leave the safety and comfort we had established with them.
Alas, that brings us to this week, and our first appt at Kaiser. It was strange, not cutting a 500 dollar check at the end, and I didn't feel as trusting in their care, but Gummy Bear was once again given a healthy, dancing, bill of health :)
We know we are not out of the woods yet, believe me. But 10.5 weeks feels good. I am staring down the second trimester, which I always dreamed of reaching. I have felt pretty good, a little sick in the evenings or if I let my tummy get empty, but no puking. I was recently told that after two months now of doing no physical activity, I could start walking again, so Kevin and I kicked it off with a four mile walk with our first loves at Lacamas Lake. It feels good to move again, and hopefully walk off some of these Dots Doughnuts, french fries, and ice cream. So far, I have been able to nap whenever I need to, and take it pretty easy, which I feel so lucky for.
Mostly, I feel blessed. Kevin and I cannot believe the love that already surrounds this little baby. The support system we have, and the excitement people are sharing with us is incredible. We have no fears about being parents, not one. We are just naively so overjoyed with the tasks that will face us in six short months. I wake up at night thinking "gosh Gummy Bear, how am I ever going to wait 6 more months for you?!?!"
We are ready.
Ready to be parents together.
Mosty, ready to share this baby which has been such a labor of love with the rest of our amazing support system!
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Isn't summer meant to be relaxing?
So one thing I never thought of was how I would take my blog that I used to chart my IVF experience and turn it back into a normal blog. I know you guys are still checking it, and I feel guilty that I have left you completely hanging, however I am not quite ready to talk about it... Yet.
So, on we push. Our summer has been CRAZY (which maybe has been a gift because it has given us less time to sit around and think about things) but I am ready for a break from all that!!! This week I am teaching a summer school for two hours a day, and it is really nice to see some of my kiddos, but it has kept me busy planning, shopping, and making sure I have everything to entertain for two hours. The money is nice though!
Kev has been putting in extra work as well, because in a few weeks we leave for Kauai!!!! We simply cannot wait to sit on a warm beach and do nothing but soak in the sunshine and the ocean breeze. We are going with my family, and rented a house right on the beach, so it should be a blast!!!! Might try our hands at surfing again, and definitely will be doing some paddle boarding. I simply cannot wait to take a break from life for a whole week!!!! (Except I will still be in school, so I have to take my computer and do homework while we are there... yuck)
So that's what we have been up to lately... Working, working in our yard, running errands, going to appts, and trying to take a little time to do nothing IF we can fit it in.
Thank you for continuing to check in on us!!! Your support is greatly appreciated!!!!
So, on we push. Our summer has been CRAZY (which maybe has been a gift because it has given us less time to sit around and think about things) but I am ready for a break from all that!!! This week I am teaching a summer school for two hours a day, and it is really nice to see some of my kiddos, but it has kept me busy planning, shopping, and making sure I have everything to entertain for two hours. The money is nice though!
Kev has been putting in extra work as well, because in a few weeks we leave for Kauai!!!! We simply cannot wait to sit on a warm beach and do nothing but soak in the sunshine and the ocean breeze. We are going with my family, and rented a house right on the beach, so it should be a blast!!!! Might try our hands at surfing again, and definitely will be doing some paddle boarding. I simply cannot wait to take a break from life for a whole week!!!! (Except I will still be in school, so I have to take my computer and do homework while we are there... yuck)
So that's what we have been up to lately... Working, working in our yard, running errands, going to appts, and trying to take a little time to do nothing IF we can fit it in.
Thank you for continuing to check in on us!!! Your support is greatly appreciated!!!!
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Just hanging...
Hello my lovely little blog family! Oh, how I have grown so attached to those of you who read this and then inspire and uplift me. And, I am thankful for a place to pour my thoughts and life happenings.
Nothin new around these parts. Kev and I are just trying to stay busy and pass our time looking out to our dr. appt. Nothing feels different to me... So that is somewhat bothering me. But, we are coming to terms with the possibility of having to start (and pay for) round two. Sure, I would love to take that money and pay off part of my student loans, but we both agree that this is where we want to spend it. We want one more try. If needed, that is. We have plans to get out of town after the results (either way) just in case. Running away from problems always seems to make them smaller once you return :).
I know that you are all faithfully checking back, and I appreciate that! Nothing has really changed, and time is passing slowly! Thank you for your thoughts!!!!
Nothin new around these parts. Kev and I are just trying to stay busy and pass our time looking out to our dr. appt. Nothing feels different to me... So that is somewhat bothering me. But, we are coming to terms with the possibility of having to start (and pay for) round two. Sure, I would love to take that money and pay off part of my student loans, but we both agree that this is where we want to spend it. We want one more try. If needed, that is. We have plans to get out of town after the results (either way) just in case. Running away from problems always seems to make them smaller once you return :).
I know that you are all faithfully checking back, and I appreciate that! Nothing has really changed, and time is passing slowly! Thank you for your thoughts!!!!
Monday, July 2, 2012
Bed Rest (BLAH)
So... Day 2 of bed rest continues... And it's terrible. It would be one thing to feel sick, but I am totally fine so it is just plain annoying. My husband is taking it VERY seriously and will not allow me to do ANYTHING. Although, the time has not been all terrible.
My family is amazing and along with my husband surprised me when we got home yesterday with some things to spruce up the basement and help pass my time. It looked so sweet with plants and balloons that I automatically started crying. The basement is usually not where we spend a lot of time, so being trapped down here for two days was not something we were super excited about, however with a huge comfy couch, the tv, a bathroom, and a spare bedroom for night, it made sense for me to make camp down here. The little added "comforts" made it all the better! :) Thanks Mama, John, and of course my most favorite nurse, Kev.
My friends (knowing as much as my family that I am NO good at sitting around) have also been amazing. Either entertaining me on Facebook, bringing me goodies to eat, sending me well wishes via text, or just bringing their kiddos over to entertain me, they have been a real blessing! Thank you so much to those of you who contacted me for well wishes yesterday as well. I know I've said it a million times before but your support is so appreciated and does not go unnoticed. Laurel, Marlana, Heather, Erin Z, Colleen, Karen, Whitt, and Ash, you are true gems and I am lucky and thankful to have you vested in this journey with me.
We did get the tough news this morning that our remaining two eggs did not grow enough to be frozen today... So that means we have no backup if this doesn't take. Again, a moment where Kev and I both needed to take the time to be really bummed and scared, then move on. There is nothing we can do about that, and if worse comes to worse we will just start this road over again. Not our first choice, but we will push on because that's what we do well together.
So now we wait... And to be honest with you all... I will probably not update on here when we find out if this was a success or not. I feel like so many of you deserve to know as soon as we do, but with our past loss, I don't feel comfortable with the rest of the people who peek at this blog to know that early on. So please do not feel badly if you don't see it on here, I'm sure I will contact most of you personally with the news- either way.
Thank you again!!!! And please continue to keep us in your thoughts these next two weeks!!! It is going to be a LONG wait! Although after the choreographed dance routine Kevin and Rahja just performed for me, maybe it won't be so bad :)
My family is amazing and along with my husband surprised me when we got home yesterday with some things to spruce up the basement and help pass my time. It looked so sweet with plants and balloons that I automatically started crying. The basement is usually not where we spend a lot of time, so being trapped down here for two days was not something we were super excited about, however with a huge comfy couch, the tv, a bathroom, and a spare bedroom for night, it made sense for me to make camp down here. The little added "comforts" made it all the better! :) Thanks Mama, John, and of course my most favorite nurse, Kev.
My friends (knowing as much as my family that I am NO good at sitting around) have also been amazing. Either entertaining me on Facebook, bringing me goodies to eat, sending me well wishes via text, or just bringing their kiddos over to entertain me, they have been a real blessing! Thank you so much to those of you who contacted me for well wishes yesterday as well. I know I've said it a million times before but your support is so appreciated and does not go unnoticed. Laurel, Marlana, Heather, Erin Z, Colleen, Karen, Whitt, and Ash, you are true gems and I am lucky and thankful to have you vested in this journey with me.
We did get the tough news this morning that our remaining two eggs did not grow enough to be frozen today... So that means we have no backup if this doesn't take. Again, a moment where Kev and I both needed to take the time to be really bummed and scared, then move on. There is nothing we can do about that, and if worse comes to worse we will just start this road over again. Not our first choice, but we will push on because that's what we do well together.
So now we wait... And to be honest with you all... I will probably not update on here when we find out if this was a success or not. I feel like so many of you deserve to know as soon as we do, but with our past loss, I don't feel comfortable with the rest of the people who peek at this blog to know that early on. So please do not feel badly if you don't see it on here, I'm sure I will contact most of you personally with the news- either way.
Thank you again!!!! And please continue to keep us in your thoughts these next two weeks!!! It is going to be a LONG wait! Although after the choreographed dance routine Kevin and Rahja just performed for me, maybe it won't be so bad :)
Sunday, July 1, 2012
The big day!!!!
So it's all over (for now)!!!!! We went in today and found out that four of our seven eggs had made it and that two of them were what the embryologist called "very pretty". To say we were relieved is an understatement. Would we have liked to have all seven? Of course! But we were so happy to just hear we had some that were good enough to use this morning! The process went without hitch (besides having to pee in a bedpan for the first time in my life) and my enlarged ovaries are on the road to recovery, so now I am on bed rest until Tuesday morning. Cannot even sit up more than 45 degree angle. This is probably going to kill me because I don't feel sick and I am not very good at sitting around.
Here are a few pics from today... I will post again tomorrow as I have more on my mind, but this at least updates those of you waiting to hear!
Me before going in..
And a picture of me with our babies that they put in! Yes, these are the actual ones that they put in today!
Here are a few pics from today... I will post again tomorrow as I have more on my mind, but this at least updates those of you waiting to hear!
Me before going in..
Kev doing his job...
Friday, June 29, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Sad news...
So, today brought some disheartening news for us. I got the call at 9:30 that only 7 of our 25 eggs fertilized last night. This is not good odds at all, especially considering that 21 of the 25 eggs were mature and ready to be fertilized. :( I know what you're thinking.. "Seven?!?! That's great! It only takes one!" Let me explain the reasons why seven is not a good number.
First off... From here until day 5 (Sunday) when they are transferred back into me, it is common to lose half of the fertilized eggs. This would put us down to possibly three. Which is still the two we need, we understand that. However, you can freeze left over eggs so that if it doesn't take this time around you can pick up from this point and try again. It is about a third the cost, a third the time, and involves no shots or painful retrievals. We were REALLY hoping that we could freeze enough of them to reduce our stress level of feeling like this "has" to work this time around. Now, that safety net has been pulled out from under us, and it adds a lot of pressure to a situation that is already filled with stress. We didn't want that.
They don't know why only seven of them worked, and were as saddened as we were about this news. We were hoping for 15, which would have still been a low number considering where we came from. As Kev put it, we felt "deflated." It has been a day of testing our positivity and faith in things working out. Every hour that passes I wonder how many more have died off. I am terrified for the next four days and I hope they FLY by. I just need to know we have enough to do this on Sunday!
We would greatly appreciate extra prayers for those seven little eggs, that they are the best of the best and they will all (or even four) make it until Sunday! We can't afford to keep losing them! We are trying to keep our heads up and stay positive, but this has been a tough and scary bump in our road.
First off... From here until day 5 (Sunday) when they are transferred back into me, it is common to lose half of the fertilized eggs. This would put us down to possibly three. Which is still the two we need, we understand that. However, you can freeze left over eggs so that if it doesn't take this time around you can pick up from this point and try again. It is about a third the cost, a third the time, and involves no shots or painful retrievals. We were REALLY hoping that we could freeze enough of them to reduce our stress level of feeling like this "has" to work this time around. Now, that safety net has been pulled out from under us, and it adds a lot of pressure to a situation that is already filled with stress. We didn't want that.
They don't know why only seven of them worked, and were as saddened as we were about this news. We were hoping for 15, which would have still been a low number considering where we came from. As Kev put it, we felt "deflated." It has been a day of testing our positivity and faith in things working out. Every hour that passes I wonder how many more have died off. I am terrified for the next four days and I hope they FLY by. I just need to know we have enough to do this on Sunday!
We would greatly appreciate extra prayers for those seven little eggs, that they are the best of the best and they will all (or even four) make it until Sunday! We can't afford to keep losing them! We are trying to keep our heads up and stay positive, but this has been a tough and scary bump in our road.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Retrieval Day
Today was the big day. All the shots/pills led us to this point.
I woke up this morning at 5:00 nervous about being put to sleep. I have only been put under one time before, and I got so so sick afterwards that I vomited for hours. I was not looking forward to this happening again. I also do not care for the feeling of losing control of a situation, and when you are asleep there is really no control.
We had to be there at 8:30 so that I could be prepped and ready at preciously 9:15 (35 hours after the trigger shot). Thank goodness for my amazing hubby who can distract me from almost any fear. Here is a before...
I guess everything went well. Seeing how I was asleep, I'm actually not sure at all what happened. I do remember watching the ceiling circle around me, and a bunch of people running around, then I said "This must be what it's like to be abducted by aliens?!?!" That was it for my memory of the 40 minutes I was under.
Here is the best of the after shots my hubby took. This was after I asked him "are you my husband??"
I woke up this morning at 5:00 nervous about being put to sleep. I have only been put under one time before, and I got so so sick afterwards that I vomited for hours. I was not looking forward to this happening again. I also do not care for the feeling of losing control of a situation, and when you are asleep there is really no control.
We had to be there at 8:30 so that I could be prepped and ready at preciously 9:15 (35 hours after the trigger shot). Thank goodness for my amazing hubby who can distract me from almost any fear. Here is a before...
I guess everything went well. Seeing how I was asleep, I'm actually not sure at all what happened. I do remember watching the ceiling circle around me, and a bunch of people running around, then I said "This must be what it's like to be abducted by aliens?!?!" That was it for my memory of the 40 minutes I was under.
Here is the best of the after shots my hubby took. This was after I asked him "are you my husband??"
I was in some serious pain here! Even after my Fentanyl. However, the more pain meds they gave me, the longer we had to hang out there and I was feeling like I was going to throw up too, so I really just wanted to get home! Once we got home I wanted to die. Honestly. But, as usual my husband came to the rescue forcing some food down me so that I could take more pain killers, then getting me a heating pad and putting me to bed. When I woke up a little over an hour later the nausea had passed and I actually felt hungry! I'm not going to pretend I felt good, because that is still not the case. I am CRAZY sore and walk like a 90 year old woman. BUT it is still worlds better than earlier, and I will take it!
HOWEVER... This entire situation was so worth it to know that they were able to retrieve 25 eggs!!!! That's right, 25!!!!!! The average is 8-15, so I would say we did a pretty good job! :) (This could also be the reason it was so stinkin painful!)
Now we wait until the phone call tomorrow that tells us how many of our little eggs fertilized today after we left them. I am nervous. In a way I didn't want to leave them there alone. It's a funny feeling.
Thank you so very much to all the texts and phone calls I got today checking on us. I appreciate your thoughts and concerns more than you know. I don't think anyone needs to worry about me though; I have the world's best nurse living in my house :)
I'll let you know what we find out tomorrow!!!!! Fingers crossed!
Monday, June 25, 2012
Triggered
So yesterday was it... Last day of my shots (if all goes as planned).
At 10:15 EXACTLY, I gave myself the "trigger" shot for a 9:15 retrieval on Tuesday morning. I cannot believe that it is actually going to happen tomorrow! Right now it is looking like there are something like 30 follicles so we should have a great number of eggs! That is exciting! However, right now is when they think that my hyper-stimulation is really going to rear its ugly head. I am on constant watch of my symptoms and what is going to be "normal" for someone in my case... And what is not.
The doctors said I am going to get pretty sick after Tuesday morning, but that it should start to taper off by Thursday. If it does not, that is when we start getting concerned. I am so determined for this not to happen, but I would also appreciate any prayers. If I don't get better, we cannot do the transfer on Sunday, and therefore we have to start things over next month. That is NOT the route we want to go, obviously, however it can get dangerous for me if they do not put a stop to it.
These doctors are amazing. So impressive. And for the last few months I have simply been their science experiment. I know that they will not put my health in jeopardy, and I also know they want for us to be able to do a fresh transfer on Sunday, so I just have to learn to trust them. I will work on convincing my body as well :)
So off we go, for two more doctors appts this week, and then a transfer on Sunday!!! I am nervous to be put under tomorrow, but we have come so far that I am actually more excited to just get it over with and know that all these eggs I have been working to grow are now in a safe place! Wish us luck!
At 10:15 EXACTLY, I gave myself the "trigger" shot for a 9:15 retrieval on Tuesday morning. I cannot believe that it is actually going to happen tomorrow! Right now it is looking like there are something like 30 follicles so we should have a great number of eggs! That is exciting! However, right now is when they think that my hyper-stimulation is really going to rear its ugly head. I am on constant watch of my symptoms and what is going to be "normal" for someone in my case... And what is not.
The doctors said I am going to get pretty sick after Tuesday morning, but that it should start to taper off by Thursday. If it does not, that is when we start getting concerned. I am so determined for this not to happen, but I would also appreciate any prayers. If I don't get better, we cannot do the transfer on Sunday, and therefore we have to start things over next month. That is NOT the route we want to go, obviously, however it can get dangerous for me if they do not put a stop to it.
These doctors are amazing. So impressive. And for the last few months I have simply been their science experiment. I know that they will not put my health in jeopardy, and I also know they want for us to be able to do a fresh transfer on Sunday, so I just have to learn to trust them. I will work on convincing my body as well :)
So off we go, for two more doctors appts this week, and then a transfer on Sunday!!! I am nervous to be put under tomorrow, but we have come so far that I am actually more excited to just get it over with and know that all these eggs I have been working to grow are now in a safe place! Wish us luck!
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Thanks for the reminder, Colbie Caillat
"Think Good Thoughts"
I'm just gonna say it,
There's no using in delaying,
I'm tired of the angry hanging out inside me,
So I'll quiet down the devil,
I'm gonna knock him with a shovel,
And I'll burry all my troubles underneath the rubble
When I'm alone in my dark dark room,
I have to tell myself to,
Think good thoughts,
Think good thoughts,
Imagine what the world would be if we would just,
Think good thoughts,
Stop the bad from feeding,
I won't let the negativity turn me into my enemy,
Promise to myself that I won't let it get the best of me,
That's how I want to be
Na, na, na, na
I'm not saying that it's easy,
Especially when I'm moody,
I might be cursing like a sailor till I remind myself I'm better,
Cause words can be like weapons,
Oh and you use them, you regret them,
Oh but I'm not gonna let them take away my heaven
And when I start feeling blue,
I remember to tell myself to,
Think good thoughts,
Think good thoughts,
Imagine what the world would be if we would just,
Think good thoughts,
Stop the bad from feeding,
I won't let the negativity turn me into my enemy,
Promise to myself that I won't let it get the best of me,
That's how I want to be
I just think rain on a summer night,
Stars filling up the sky,
Sunshining on my face,
Making a secret wish,
Finding my happiness,
That always makes me hold my head up high,
I wanna hold my head up high,
I wanna think good thoughts (Imagine what the world would be if we would just think good thoughts)
I wanna think good thoughts (wouldn't that be something?)
I won't let the negativity turn me into my enemy,
Promise to myself that I won't let it get the best of me,
That's how I want to be
Na, na, na, na
There's no using in delaying,
I'm tired of the angry hanging out inside me,
So I'll quiet down the devil,
I'm gonna knock him with a shovel,
And I'll burry all my troubles underneath the rubble
When I'm alone in my dark dark room,
I have to tell myself to,
Think good thoughts,
Think good thoughts,
Imagine what the world would be if we would just,
Think good thoughts,
Stop the bad from feeding,
I won't let the negativity turn me into my enemy,
Promise to myself that I won't let it get the best of me,
That's how I want to be
Na, na, na, na
I'm not saying that it's easy,
Especially when I'm moody,
I might be cursing like a sailor till I remind myself I'm better,
Cause words can be like weapons,
Oh and you use them, you regret them,
Oh but I'm not gonna let them take away my heaven
And when I start feeling blue,
I remember to tell myself to,
Think good thoughts,
Think good thoughts,
Imagine what the world would be if we would just,
Think good thoughts,
Stop the bad from feeding,
I won't let the negativity turn me into my enemy,
Promise to myself that I won't let it get the best of me,
That's how I want to be
I just think rain on a summer night,
Stars filling up the sky,
Sunshining on my face,
Making a secret wish,
Finding my happiness,
That always makes me hold my head up high,
I wanna hold my head up high,
I wanna think good thoughts (Imagine what the world would be if we would just think good thoughts)
I wanna think good thoughts (wouldn't that be something?)
I won't let the negativity turn me into my enemy,
Promise to myself that I won't let it get the best of me,
That's how I want to be
Na, na, na, na
Shots, pills and more shots...
So sorry~ I have been meaning to update you fine folks but the time in my world has been FLYING by and somehow it has already been a week since the last time I blogged... How does that happen????
Anywho- School is out, and that is a wonderful thing seeing how our dr appts have been changed to EVERY STINKIN MORNING. No joke. Let me explain our current situation.
We had our appt on the 15th and were told that all was well, start the shots the next day. That morning I was nervous and excited to get going, but when "shot time" (which is now a real time used to plan things around) rolled around; I got a little sweaty and shaky. Kev stood and walked me through the entire process (thank God for him and his knowledge of giving shots) of mixing this vial with that, into that one, then change the needle, then let it sit. This particular one sits for 15 minutes to reduce the burning while injecting it. (Reduce mind you, not eliminate)... With all that said, it was not near as bad or scary as I was picturing putting a needle into my stomach. And ever since, it has been smooth sailing,three times daily. Some days they hurt worse than others, some they bleed worse than others, some I have done in the car while Kev drives down the freeway, but mostly, I feel like an experienced junky. We have a lifetime supply of needles lying around our house and alcohol wipes is a normal bathroom toiletry now. It's strange, but our new norm.
The only glitch we have come across is no surprise to anyone; mostly not to my lovely doctor. Goes something like this... On that Friday when I went in, my hormone level was 39 and looked good. The next Tuesday shortly after we left I got a phone call saying that my levels were a little high, as the measured slightly over 800! I was shocked and a little scared. Levels growing this quickly are a first sign of that nasty thing OHSS, (did you Google it yet?) that they were so worried about with me to begin with. Fast forward to today (two days later) and that same hormone level is now 2495!!!! Not good. At all. So high that we run a huge chance of being cancelled on at this point. They are very concerned about my health, especially if I were to get pregnant. So, doses are changing, shots are being swapped for others, appts have been downgraded from every other, to every day, and mine and Kev's guards are up. At this point there is nothing I can physically do to help this to go back to where it should be, however they said I need to start drinking boatloads of liquids asap to try and help myself to not dehydrate from what my ovaries are currently pulling on me.
This obviously is not the news we wanted to hear, and we are both a little scared about it, however, I feel great! I have no symptoms, no side effects except a bruised up tummy, I sleep fine, I'm not gaining weight (yet) and I refuse to let my body decide to change that. We have come too far to stop now, and I will do everything in my power to use mind over matter to get this body in a safe enough place to put those little eggies back inside.
I know all I do is ask for prayers and support, but I know it helps! You are all amazing and appreciated!!! Right now, we are looking at next Tuesday or Wednesday for a retrieval date for all those 30 eggs that are growing like crazy! And if I can do anything about it, it will be smooth sailing until then! Cross your fingers.
Thanks again!!!!!
Anywho- School is out, and that is a wonderful thing seeing how our dr appts have been changed to EVERY STINKIN MORNING. No joke. Let me explain our current situation.
We had our appt on the 15th and were told that all was well, start the shots the next day. That morning I was nervous and excited to get going, but when "shot time" (which is now a real time used to plan things around) rolled around; I got a little sweaty and shaky. Kev stood and walked me through the entire process (thank God for him and his knowledge of giving shots) of mixing this vial with that, into that one, then change the needle, then let it sit. This particular one sits for 15 minutes to reduce the burning while injecting it. (Reduce mind you, not eliminate)... With all that said, it was not near as bad or scary as I was picturing putting a needle into my stomach. And ever since, it has been smooth sailing,three times daily. Some days they hurt worse than others, some they bleed worse than others, some I have done in the car while Kev drives down the freeway, but mostly, I feel like an experienced junky. We have a lifetime supply of needles lying around our house and alcohol wipes is a normal bathroom toiletry now. It's strange, but our new norm.
The only glitch we have come across is no surprise to anyone; mostly not to my lovely doctor. Goes something like this... On that Friday when I went in, my hormone level was 39 and looked good. The next Tuesday shortly after we left I got a phone call saying that my levels were a little high, as the measured slightly over 800! I was shocked and a little scared. Levels growing this quickly are a first sign of that nasty thing OHSS, (did you Google it yet?) that they were so worried about with me to begin with. Fast forward to today (two days later) and that same hormone level is now 2495!!!! Not good. At all. So high that we run a huge chance of being cancelled on at this point. They are very concerned about my health, especially if I were to get pregnant. So, doses are changing, shots are being swapped for others, appts have been downgraded from every other, to every day, and mine and Kev's guards are up. At this point there is nothing I can physically do to help this to go back to where it should be, however they said I need to start drinking boatloads of liquids asap to try and help myself to not dehydrate from what my ovaries are currently pulling on me.
This obviously is not the news we wanted to hear, and we are both a little scared about it, however, I feel great! I have no symptoms, no side effects except a bruised up tummy, I sleep fine, I'm not gaining weight (yet) and I refuse to let my body decide to change that. We have come too far to stop now, and I will do everything in my power to use mind over matter to get this body in a safe enough place to put those little eggies back inside.
I know all I do is ask for prayers and support, but I know it helps! You are all amazing and appreciated!!! Right now, we are looking at next Tuesday or Wednesday for a retrieval date for all those 30 eggs that are growing like crazy! And if I can do anything about it, it will be smooth sailing until then! Cross your fingers.
Thanks again!!!!!
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Big day tomorrow
Tomorrow is a day of mixed emotions... It marks the one year anniversary of our devastating loss, and a day of big tests that my body has to pass in order to continue on with this round of IVF. I am nervous, stressed, worried, anxious, saddened, and will hopefully be too busy to feel the heartbreak that I have been avoiding feeling for the past year.
Luckily, with my morning starting at 5, my dr appt at 7 in Portland, making it to work by 8 to have "camp" for 24 all day, including a hot dog lunch in the classroom, I think I will be so busy and exhausted that I will not even have time to think... I hope.
So if you could... Keep us in your thoughts tomorrow. We would appreciate it as it's kind of a big/tough day for us.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Thanks!
First off, thank you to all of those who have contacted me in some way to offer support. I appreciate each and every one of you. Your kind words touch my heart, and make me tear up every single time. :)
We are doing great!!! First part of IVF (the suppression phase) is almost over already! The birth control, which I was worried about because I have had somewhat nasty side effects in the past, has been a breeze! As for the other 5 pills I am currently taking... Nothin. It has been wonderful. Not even tummy problems. I am so very thankful.
It is so helpful too, that it is the end of the school year and I am buried in things to do for the next two weeks. Keeps me good and distracted, and doesn't allow for sickness or over thinking of things. Which, honestly... I need sometimes.
I start a new drug on Monday, which is known for causing insomnia... so that could be scary. Then a doctor appt on Friday morning (the 15th) to make sure that everything shut down the way it was supposed to. If all looks good (please cross fingers, say prayers, or send thoughts... whatever you do) we start injections on Saturday the 16th. That is when it could all get a little scary. :) However, we are just so excited and ready to be doing this, that I have just made up my mind that I am not going to let things affect me. I am going through this with a positive outlook and a determined mindset. We consider ourselves lucky, if you can believe that, that we have the means, and the support and love for each other to even try this route.
I'll update again next week! Thank you again, I can feel your support every day!!!!
We are doing great!!! First part of IVF (the suppression phase) is almost over already! The birth control, which I was worried about because I have had somewhat nasty side effects in the past, has been a breeze! As for the other 5 pills I am currently taking... Nothin. It has been wonderful. Not even tummy problems. I am so very thankful.
It is so helpful too, that it is the end of the school year and I am buried in things to do for the next two weeks. Keeps me good and distracted, and doesn't allow for sickness or over thinking of things. Which, honestly... I need sometimes.
I start a new drug on Monday, which is known for causing insomnia... so that could be scary. Then a doctor appt on Friday morning (the 15th) to make sure that everything shut down the way it was supposed to. If all looks good (please cross fingers, say prayers, or send thoughts... whatever you do) we start injections on Saturday the 16th. That is when it could all get a little scary. :) However, we are just so excited and ready to be doing this, that I have just made up my mind that I am not going to let things affect me. I am going through this with a positive outlook and a determined mindset. We consider ourselves lucky, if you can believe that, that we have the means, and the support and love for each other to even try this route.
I'll update again next week! Thank you again, I can feel your support every day!!!!
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Warning....
For any of you that read this I wanted to warn you... Our blog is going to take a drastic change for the next two months. If you have no interest in reading day after day about my experience with In-Vitro Fertilization, then I suggest not checking in for a few months.
After talking with Kev, I decided that this would be my safe place of refuge from this whole thing. A place, not only to dump my thoughts, worries, concerns, but a place to track my journey and to be able to look back and remember what we have been through together. So, it begins...
Day 1 of IVF comes with an overwhelming sense of excitement but an equal amount of fear. To be terrified doesn't even do it justice. How will my body react to all of these drugs and injections? How will I handle stabbing myself in the stomach twice a day? How will our bank account bounce back? What will we do if it doesn't work (something we have not even been able to talk about yet). What if it does work and then we miscarry again? What if it works and I go on bed rest (I think I would off myself). How will we deal with the stress of going through this, and then the stress of worrying if it actually works? Should I be excited, or is too soon to feel that way??? Hopeful- 70% is good odds, however, I have always prided myself with being in the top (and smaller) percentage of things... Is this my 30%? These are just a few of my thoughts tonight as I swallow my first birth control pill in three years. "Birth control?" you say. Oh yes... Very tricky business this IVF world.
Turns out that the doctor is very concerned about me getting OHSS (scary stuff, Google it) which basically means they set my ovaries into overdrive that causes them to freak out and start leaking, which causes large amounts of fluid to collect in my tummy and can create thickened blood (also very not good) ANYWHO, in order to help avoid that they put my lovely little ovaries "to sleep" for two weeks before we get started. This is so that they will turn themselves off until I start injecting them with hormones. Helps the doctors to have more control, and therefore, less chances of OHSS (cross your fingers). I have a wonderful doctor, who is going to keep a VERY close eye on me, so I am resting my worries about this in his hands. Plus, he told us himself that making babies is his superpower, and we have been waiting for two and a half years to find someone with that superpower, so I think I'll let him be in charge!! ;)
Isn't science amazing?
So, jump on the train!!!! Next stop, injections training!!! Woot woot!!!
After talking with Kev, I decided that this would be my safe place of refuge from this whole thing. A place, not only to dump my thoughts, worries, concerns, but a place to track my journey and to be able to look back and remember what we have been through together. So, it begins...
Day 1 of IVF comes with an overwhelming sense of excitement but an equal amount of fear. To be terrified doesn't even do it justice. How will my body react to all of these drugs and injections? How will I handle stabbing myself in the stomach twice a day? How will our bank account bounce back? What will we do if it doesn't work (something we have not even been able to talk about yet). What if it does work and then we miscarry again? What if it works and I go on bed rest (I think I would off myself). How will we deal with the stress of going through this, and then the stress of worrying if it actually works? Should I be excited, or is too soon to feel that way??? Hopeful- 70% is good odds, however, I have always prided myself with being in the top (and smaller) percentage of things... Is this my 30%? These are just a few of my thoughts tonight as I swallow my first birth control pill in three years. "Birth control?" you say. Oh yes... Very tricky business this IVF world.
Turns out that the doctor is very concerned about me getting OHSS (scary stuff, Google it) which basically means they set my ovaries into overdrive that causes them to freak out and start leaking, which causes large amounts of fluid to collect in my tummy and can create thickened blood (also very not good) ANYWHO, in order to help avoid that they put my lovely little ovaries "to sleep" for two weeks before we get started. This is so that they will turn themselves off until I start injecting them with hormones. Helps the doctors to have more control, and therefore, less chances of OHSS (cross your fingers). I have a wonderful doctor, who is going to keep a VERY close eye on me, so I am resting my worries about this in his hands. Plus, he told us himself that making babies is his superpower, and we have been waiting for two and a half years to find someone with that superpower, so I think I'll let him be in charge!! ;)
Isn't science amazing?
So, jump on the train!!!! Next stop, injections training!!! Woot woot!!!
Friday, May 25, 2012
O'Neil Happenings
What a crazy life! Whew! Lately it has just been non-stop around these parts, but it is almost time for a break (17 more days to be exact)!
We have just been loving life with our girls (and the sunshine), celebrating holidays with our families, running, doing homework, yard work, planning trips and trying to catch up on our DVR. Here are some most recent life happenings in photos...
Nala Jaye turned four years old! She is the sweetest little pup ever. She also just gave us a mighty big scare with the threat of bone cancer, but all is well, and she is cancer free!
Rahja Maye celebrated her sixth birthday! I simply cannot believe that this little love is six years old... Kevin and my first baby who we have learned so very much from.
Isn't this cute?!?!
Made by my second graders for Earth Day. Around it they made promises to the Earth of how they will help to keep it a clean and healthy place. They are just too darn precious. Seriously. I am going to really miss this group of kiddos!
Hopefully, next year will bring me a job, with a room full of kids just as great as these ones! We are at the waiting it out point right now, so maybe we will know something soon...
Also... This is what the first day of IVF looks like... Who wants to join?
YEP... That is 3,100 dollars worth of drugs sitting on my dinning room table. OUCH.
Here's to a smooth trip down this road!!!! :)
(I'll keep you updated)
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Thinkin
Something came to me today while sitting around reading blogs to fill my time...
My favorite blogs are by mom's who write about their lives raising children. Not ALWAYS about their kids, but life in general, and the ups and downs of parenting. They are honest and forthcoming. They don't pretend like they love their lives every single day, and I respect that. Lately though, they have all been talking about the days they dream of having. Getting up whenever their body feels like, eating breakfast at a slow pace and sitting and reading while drinking coffee, watching their TV shows all the way through without distractions, reading, taking a long shower, having an afternoon to themselves, going on a walk sans kids, having an adult conversation without interruptions etc.
Cut to my day... Got out of bed at 7 because I was bored laying there, drank coffee that my husband made before he left for work while reading things online, decided to bath my dogs and then take a long warm shower, took my time getting ready, went to the library, did two loads of laundry, packed for a little getaway we are going on tomorrow, read magazines, shopped online, sat outside in the sun with my dogs for two hours drinking more coffee, talked on the phone, and now sitting in bed blogging. I was so mopey and pathetic because I had had such a boring lonesome day.
Fast-forward to my epiphany while reading blogs this afternoon. Women with lives full of children have the life I can't wait to have. BUT I have the life that women with kids dream of. As lonesome as it may seem on the days that Kev is gone, my life is amazing, and I will forever be able to look back at these days longingly. I need to learn to embrace that. I need to stop rushing through this part of my life, because I will not ever get these days back.
Moral- I AM BLESSED.
My favorite blogs are by mom's who write about their lives raising children. Not ALWAYS about their kids, but life in general, and the ups and downs of parenting. They are honest and forthcoming. They don't pretend like they love their lives every single day, and I respect that. Lately though, they have all been talking about the days they dream of having. Getting up whenever their body feels like, eating breakfast at a slow pace and sitting and reading while drinking coffee, watching their TV shows all the way through without distractions, reading, taking a long shower, having an afternoon to themselves, going on a walk sans kids, having an adult conversation without interruptions etc.
Cut to my day... Got out of bed at 7 because I was bored laying there, drank coffee that my husband made before he left for work while reading things online, decided to bath my dogs and then take a long warm shower, took my time getting ready, went to the library, did two loads of laundry, packed for a little getaway we are going on tomorrow, read magazines, shopped online, sat outside in the sun with my dogs for two hours drinking more coffee, talked on the phone, and now sitting in bed blogging. I was so mopey and pathetic because I had had such a boring lonesome day.
Fast-forward to my epiphany while reading blogs this afternoon. Women with lives full of children have the life I can't wait to have. BUT I have the life that women with kids dream of. As lonesome as it may seem on the days that Kev is gone, my life is amazing, and I will forever be able to look back at these days longingly. I need to learn to embrace that. I need to stop rushing through this part of my life, because I will not ever get these days back.
Moral- I AM BLESSED.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Keep truckin.
I guess I never realized that people actually read this blog. It's always just been a place for me to "dump" my thoughts, and never really meant for lots of people to see. But, what do ya know?? People do enjoy reading it! Stranger things have happened.
So, behind, like usual is where I am. Long story short- work, homework, sleep. That sums up my last three months. Feel better now? You are informed.
Ok, there have maybe been a few more things, but that is the gist of it.
Work is wonderful and exhausting at the same time. My kids are so funny, and say the cutest things daily, but just being there all day and dealing with normal teacher dealings can be very tiring. I come home worn out and ready to veg, only to find I have two papers due. I attempt to get ahead, but with online schooling, that is almost impossible unless everyone else wants to be ahead too (which they do not). For the most part I am dealing well with managing the stress of school along with work, but it isn't without sacrifices from both me and my most awesomest hubby. I may be absent from some family functions, and most all social functions, but the real changes have been the ones Kevin has been willing to make to help me not feel so in over my head. I say it everytime, but I wouldn't be able to handle this if it weren't for him (and maybe for Rodka, our newly appointed cleaning lady)!!! As I look down the tunnel I can see the halfway point, which feels amazing!
As for the other part of our life that I usually update on, we have had quite the whirlwind couple of months. Beginning in November we underwent three rounds of IUI's. For those of you unfamiliar with the "infertility lingo," that means Intro Uterine Insemination. Need more explanation? How's "turkey baster?" Yep. Three rounds of that, mixed with new meds led us to nothing. And still absolutely no explanation or sign of problems. We were allowed four tries, but after the third procedure the success rate changes from 20% to 6%. Awesome.
At this point in my story is where my mostly sunny outlook changes to a terrible storm. I lost hope. Completely. As we are now staring in the eyes of IVF (let me translate this one... hmmm $20,000.00 should work), and our last chance, my hope dissipated. As we got this news just over a week ago, it is still not something I am feeling good about. I threw in the towel that night, but my husband was there to pick up the pieces once again. I looked at it like this... If someone wanted me to gamble 20,000 dollars, even with a 50% success rate, I would not do it, no way. I can't sit and watch that money just go away. He looked at it more like this... We will find a way to make it work, and it is something we both want so badly that we can't give up now. I am still trying to get behind that idea.
So, guess this means we won't be traveling to Italy this summer. Which is sad for me to accept as well. And round 417 of tests and drugs begins shortly. I will be injecting myself this time, with all kinds of nasty hormones, so just a warning to my close friends and family on that front. And we will be figuring out money details as we go... As my wonderful friend has a bake sale in our honor, and we try to organize an egg feed at our house (get it?) ;) It is becoming more and more real. Kidding. We aren't fundraising. But joking makes it less scary.
This is not the road we saw for ourselves, but we have decided to hold on for the rest of this bumpy ride! At this point, I guess we are "all in."
So, behind, like usual is where I am. Long story short- work, homework, sleep. That sums up my last three months. Feel better now? You are informed.
Ok, there have maybe been a few more things, but that is the gist of it.
Work is wonderful and exhausting at the same time. My kids are so funny, and say the cutest things daily, but just being there all day and dealing with normal teacher dealings can be very tiring. I come home worn out and ready to veg, only to find I have two papers due. I attempt to get ahead, but with online schooling, that is almost impossible unless everyone else wants to be ahead too (which they do not). For the most part I am dealing well with managing the stress of school along with work, but it isn't without sacrifices from both me and my most awesomest hubby. I may be absent from some family functions, and most all social functions, but the real changes have been the ones Kevin has been willing to make to help me not feel so in over my head. I say it everytime, but I wouldn't be able to handle this if it weren't for him (and maybe for Rodka, our newly appointed cleaning lady)!!! As I look down the tunnel I can see the halfway point, which feels amazing!
As for the other part of our life that I usually update on, we have had quite the whirlwind couple of months. Beginning in November we underwent three rounds of IUI's. For those of you unfamiliar with the "infertility lingo," that means Intro Uterine Insemination. Need more explanation? How's "turkey baster?" Yep. Three rounds of that, mixed with new meds led us to nothing. And still absolutely no explanation or sign of problems. We were allowed four tries, but after the third procedure the success rate changes from 20% to 6%. Awesome.
At this point in my story is where my mostly sunny outlook changes to a terrible storm. I lost hope. Completely. As we are now staring in the eyes of IVF (let me translate this one... hmmm $20,000.00 should work), and our last chance, my hope dissipated. As we got this news just over a week ago, it is still not something I am feeling good about. I threw in the towel that night, but my husband was there to pick up the pieces once again. I looked at it like this... If someone wanted me to gamble 20,000 dollars, even with a 50% success rate, I would not do it, no way. I can't sit and watch that money just go away. He looked at it more like this... We will find a way to make it work, and it is something we both want so badly that we can't give up now. I am still trying to get behind that idea.
So, guess this means we won't be traveling to Italy this summer. Which is sad for me to accept as well. And round 417 of tests and drugs begins shortly. I will be injecting myself this time, with all kinds of nasty hormones, so just a warning to my close friends and family on that front. And we will be figuring out money details as we go... As my wonderful friend has a bake sale in our honor, and we try to organize an egg feed at our house (get it?) ;) It is becoming more and more real. Kidding. We aren't fundraising. But joking makes it less scary.
This is not the road we saw for ourselves, but we have decided to hold on for the rest of this bumpy ride! At this point, I guess we are "all in."
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