Thinkin

Something came to me today while sitting around reading blogs to fill my time...

My favorite blogs are by mom's who write about their lives raising children. Not ALWAYS about their kids, but life in general, and the ups and downs of parenting. They are honest and forthcoming. They don't pretend like they love their lives every single day, and I respect that. Lately though, they have all been talking about the days they dream of having. Getting up whenever their body feels like, eating breakfast at a slow pace and sitting and reading while drinking coffee, watching their TV shows all the way through without distractions, reading, taking a long shower, having an afternoon to themselves, going on a walk sans kids, having an adult conversation without interruptions etc.

Cut to my day... Got out of bed at 7 because I was bored laying there, drank coffee that my husband made before he left for work while reading things online, decided to bath my dogs and then take a long warm shower, took my time getting ready, went to the library, did two loads of laundry, packed for a little getaway we are going on tomorrow, read magazines, shopped online, sat outside in the sun with my dogs for two hours drinking more coffee, talked on the phone, and now sitting in bed blogging. I was so mopey and pathetic because I had had such a boring lonesome day.

Fast-forward to my epiphany while reading blogs this afternoon. Women with lives full of children have the life I can't wait to have. BUT I have the life that women with kids dream of. As lonesome as it may seem on the days that Kev is gone, my life is amazing, and I will forever be able to look back at these days longingly. I need to learn to embrace that. I need to stop rushing through this part of my life, because I will not ever get these days back.

Moral- I AM BLESSED.

Keep truckin.

I guess I never realized that people actually read this blog. It's always just been a place for me to "dump" my thoughts, and never really meant for lots of people to see. But, what do ya know?? People do enjoy reading it! Stranger things have happened.

So, behind, like usual is where I am. Long story short- work, homework, sleep. That sums up my last three months. Feel better now? You are informed.


Ok, there have maybe been a few more things, but that is the gist of it.

Work is wonderful and exhausting at the same time. My kids are so funny, and say the cutest things daily, but just being there all day and dealing with normal teacher dealings can be very tiring. I come home worn out and ready to veg, only to find I have two papers due. I attempt to get ahead, but with online schooling, that is almost impossible unless everyone else wants to be ahead too (which they do not). For the most part I am dealing well with managing the stress of school along with work, but it isn't without sacrifices from both me and my most awesomest hubby. I may be absent from some family functions, and most all social functions, but the real changes have been the ones Kevin has been willing to make to help me not feel so in over my head. I say it everytime, but I wouldn't be able to handle this if it weren't for him (and maybe for Rodka, our newly appointed cleaning lady)!!! As I look down the tunnel I can see the halfway point, which feels amazing!

As for the other part of our life that I usually update on, we have had quite the whirlwind couple of months. Beginning in November we underwent three rounds of IUI's. For those of you unfamiliar with the "infertility lingo," that means Intro Uterine Insemination. Need more explanation? How's "turkey baster?" Yep. Three rounds of that, mixed with new meds led us to nothing. And still absolutely no explanation or sign of problems. We were allowed four tries, but after the third procedure the success rate changes from 20% to 6%. Awesome.

At this point in my story is where my mostly sunny outlook changes to a terrible storm. I lost hope. Completely. As we are now staring in the eyes of IVF (let me translate this one... hmmm $20,000.00 should work), and our last chance, my hope dissipated. As we got this news just over a week ago, it is still not something I am feeling good about. I threw in the towel that night, but my husband was there to pick up the pieces once again. I looked at it like this... If someone wanted me to gamble 20,000 dollars, even with a 50% success rate, I would not do it, no way. I can't sit and watch that money just go away. He looked at it more like this... We will find a way to make it work, and it is something we both want so badly that we can't give up now. I am still trying to get behind that idea.

So, guess this means we won't be traveling to Italy this summer. Which is sad for me to accept as well. And round 417 of tests and drugs begins shortly. I will be injecting myself this time, with all kinds of nasty hormones, so just a warning to my close friends and family on that front. And we will be figuring out money details as we go... As my wonderful friend has a bake sale in our honor, and we try to organize an egg feed at our house (get it?) ;) It is becoming more and more real. Kidding. We aren't fundraising. But joking makes it less scary.

This is not the road we saw for ourselves, but we have decided to hold on for the rest of this bumpy ride! At this point, I guess we are "all in."