Thinkin

Something came to me today while sitting around reading blogs to fill my time...

My favorite blogs are by mom's who write about their lives raising children. Not ALWAYS about their kids, but life in general, and the ups and downs of parenting. They are honest and forthcoming. They don't pretend like they love their lives every single day, and I respect that. Lately though, they have all been talking about the days they dream of having. Getting up whenever their body feels like, eating breakfast at a slow pace and sitting and reading while drinking coffee, watching their TV shows all the way through without distractions, reading, taking a long shower, having an afternoon to themselves, going on a walk sans kids, having an adult conversation without interruptions etc.

Cut to my day... Got out of bed at 7 because I was bored laying there, drank coffee that my husband made before he left for work while reading things online, decided to bath my dogs and then take a long warm shower, took my time getting ready, went to the library, did two loads of laundry, packed for a little getaway we are going on tomorrow, read magazines, shopped online, sat outside in the sun with my dogs for two hours drinking more coffee, talked on the phone, and now sitting in bed blogging. I was so mopey and pathetic because I had had such a boring lonesome day.

Fast-forward to my epiphany while reading blogs this afternoon. Women with lives full of children have the life I can't wait to have. BUT I have the life that women with kids dream of. As lonesome as it may seem on the days that Kev is gone, my life is amazing, and I will forever be able to look back at these days longingly. I need to learn to embrace that. I need to stop rushing through this part of my life, because I will not ever get these days back.

Moral- I AM BLESSED.

Keep truckin.

I guess I never realized that people actually read this blog. It's always just been a place for me to "dump" my thoughts, and never really meant for lots of people to see. But, what do ya know?? People do enjoy reading it! Stranger things have happened.

So, behind, like usual is where I am. Long story short- work, homework, sleep. That sums up my last three months. Feel better now? You are informed.


Ok, there have maybe been a few more things, but that is the gist of it.

Work is wonderful and exhausting at the same time. My kids are so funny, and say the cutest things daily, but just being there all day and dealing with normal teacher dealings can be very tiring. I come home worn out and ready to veg, only to find I have two papers due. I attempt to get ahead, but with online schooling, that is almost impossible unless everyone else wants to be ahead too (which they do not). For the most part I am dealing well with managing the stress of school along with work, but it isn't without sacrifices from both me and my most awesomest hubby. I may be absent from some family functions, and most all social functions, but the real changes have been the ones Kevin has been willing to make to help me not feel so in over my head. I say it everytime, but I wouldn't be able to handle this if it weren't for him (and maybe for Rodka, our newly appointed cleaning lady)!!! As I look down the tunnel I can see the halfway point, which feels amazing!

As for the other part of our life that I usually update on, we have had quite the whirlwind couple of months. Beginning in November we underwent three rounds of IUI's. For those of you unfamiliar with the "infertility lingo," that means Intro Uterine Insemination. Need more explanation? How's "turkey baster?" Yep. Three rounds of that, mixed with new meds led us to nothing. And still absolutely no explanation or sign of problems. We were allowed four tries, but after the third procedure the success rate changes from 20% to 6%. Awesome.

At this point in my story is where my mostly sunny outlook changes to a terrible storm. I lost hope. Completely. As we are now staring in the eyes of IVF (let me translate this one... hmmm $20,000.00 should work), and our last chance, my hope dissipated. As we got this news just over a week ago, it is still not something I am feeling good about. I threw in the towel that night, but my husband was there to pick up the pieces once again. I looked at it like this... If someone wanted me to gamble 20,000 dollars, even with a 50% success rate, I would not do it, no way. I can't sit and watch that money just go away. He looked at it more like this... We will find a way to make it work, and it is something we both want so badly that we can't give up now. I am still trying to get behind that idea.

So, guess this means we won't be traveling to Italy this summer. Which is sad for me to accept as well. And round 417 of tests and drugs begins shortly. I will be injecting myself this time, with all kinds of nasty hormones, so just a warning to my close friends and family on that front. And we will be figuring out money details as we go... As my wonderful friend has a bake sale in our honor, and we try to organize an egg feed at our house (get it?) ;) It is becoming more and more real. Kidding. We aren't fundraising. But joking makes it less scary.

This is not the road we saw for ourselves, but we have decided to hold on for the rest of this bumpy ride! At this point, I guess we are "all in."

Good-bye 2011!!!

As I sit here thinking about this past year, I couldn't be more happy to be moving forward. Not that everything in our year was bad, but we did definitely experience some things that I would rather move on from.

To summarize our year, it was a year of growing. A lot of growing together, and some of learning about ourselves and changing from that. It has been good for us.

We made new friends this year, friends who have been both amazing support and encouragement, and we have been able to be that same kind of friend to others who also had a less than awesome year. I am finally finding out that sometimes the only thing that can make you feel better is a much needed drink with a good friend who really "gets" you, and lots of laughter! I cherish those moments, and those friends. As much as I love Kevin, we both have made an attempt to go out more, alone, with our own friends. It has been a wonderful change for us.

Our family has remained a huge part of our lives. Some living further anyway than we would like, and some living much closer than we would like. :) (just being honest) We celebrated a wonderful wedding, and love watching others that we care about experience the joy of being married! Also lots of new babies entered the lives of our family members and friends this year, which was equally hard as it was heartwarming to see. Family functions are always better with babies around.

We had to overcome the biggest heartache of our lives thus far, this year. And we came out of it a stronger unit than when it began. I wouldn't wish this something on even my least liked person in all of my life. But I feel so strongly bonded to all the women who can truly relate and share in my pain.

There was a serious bump in my plans when a job I had counted on having, fell through. Another huge let down. I was already feeling so broken, and let me tell you, this didn't help! But again, someone had other plans for us, and I am so amazingly happy they worked out the way they did. School and a full time job wasn't exactly what I had in mind, but it's chugging along just fine! Sometimes I wish I had double the time in a day to devote to being the best teacher I can, but I know my students ARE learning and having fun, so that will just have to work until my Masters is finished (October 1st, 2012)! I have great support at work, and feel like I am constantly growing. Would it have been easier to return to the same classroom, at the same school? Yes, of course. But these situations are the ones that force us to learn and grow. And I am SO thankful to be working!!!

We didn't do a lot of traveling this year, which we are both a little bummed about. Hawaii was beautiful, but next year brings much more for us in that department. I guess if Kev and I had to pick out things that we are truly addicted to it would be coffee, and traveling. There is nothing better in the world to us than being somewhere new, seeing and learning about new cultures with just each other. I can't say from experience, but I would guess it is better than any high. ;)

Some new hobbies have developed here in the O'Neil household this year. The one that I am most proud of is the work my husband has been doing at our local no kill shelter. He volunteers his time there, and is building things that the dogs and the workers desperately needed. His heart makes me smile. What a catch.

One thing we did this year, that we would both tell you we are most proud of is changing our life to vegan. It has been a slow transition, but one that we are so happy about every single day. Kev has had to learn ALL new recipes, and we have both had to be open minded. Surprisingly, our love for animals and ethical treatment of them, has made this transition a piece of cake! (A vegan piece that is). We could both go on for hours about our reasons for this choice, but I won't bore you with that. Now if we could cut sugar out of our lives, the world would be a better place... Anyone have advice on how to go about this? I need help! We make SO many homemade things now, and our bodies feel SO MUCH better!!! I attribute much of our ability to deal with all the changes in our life this year to our eating habits and running. Amazing what clean food, fresh air, and clearing your mind each day does for your life.

Ok if your still with me, and didn't give up from pure boredom. Here is one picture from each month of 2011. A VVEERRYY quick glimpse at our year in review!

We are SO very thankful for our blessings and we wish you all the very, very best in 2012!!!! Cheers to a new chapter in our lives!!!!!

Life is flying by!

Wheewie! Life has changed... A lot.

For those of you who don't know, here is the story of my new job. On October 19th I interviewed for a long term sub job in a second grade classroom in Camas, that was scheduled to be from mid November for the rest of the year. I heard nothing back from them, and assumed I hadn't got the job. Kev and I were both bummed, but decided to just move on to subbing here and there for this year. It was probably better anyways, since I am also going to school to get my Masters and that would just be a lot to take on right now... Then comes Sunday the 30th, when I get a phone call from the principal that I did get the job, and that it starts Monday morning, on Halloween. The girl who I was taking over for had a huge surprise when her baby came early! So, it was kind of a sudden change in life for all of us involved!

Admittedly, it has been a CRAZY three weeks!!! My learning curve has been steep! But I have to honestly say, I have never felt so much support. The staff at my new school has been amazing. I have people showing up in my room daily asking me if they can help me in any way at all. I have yet to have any kind of interaction with any employee at that school that was less than pleasant! My husband has been a total rock. He has picked up the chores around the house that I was doing while not working, he helps me grade papers, organize my room, anything else that comes up. He also has been running with me after school to help me feel ready for a 5K I am doing next month. He is amazing. My mom has not once questioned that I can handle all of this at once. She tells me "you thrive on a full plate Min, this is nothing for you." She has also volunteered her time off to help me get things organized so that I know where everything is. I am blessed with an amazing support system. It has been hard having enough time to even see Kev and the girls, but I try and get homework done while he is at work so that I am able to spend an entire day off doing something fun with him!

Everything else is going great! Kev is taking a break on big projects for a few more weeks, and getting caught up on little things around the house that need his attention. After the holidays he will be working on building cabinets for his beloved garage and tools :)

My little puppies are so sad that I had to go to work. They have to be outside in the freezing cold ALL day long!!! Poor girls. But that will soon come to an end when our good friend Dave moves into our basement while he gets his feet on the ground here in Washington. He is moving here from Wisconsin and will be staying with us for a while. The girls are thrilled, because he spoils them rotten, and lets them love on him all they want :) Kev and I are excited to have him back in the Northwest!  At least my girls are still sporting new collars each month that I squeeze in the time to make to match the season!

With all this change, I am so looking forward to some downtime with my family over the holidays. I cannot wait to decorate for Christmas this week, and feel like life is slowing down a bit! But even in all the craziness, I feel so lucky and greatful to be working!

Fall, fall, fall!

I get in trouble when I haven't posted for a while, (sorry Trav) people start to wonder what is going on with us. But let me assure you, if I'm not posting, that means nothing is happening! :)

I love fall. It is beautiful and reminds me how much I love warm drinks and snuggles on the couch. I like brisk morning walks with my pumpkins, and warm clothes. I would truly miss fall if we lived somewhere that didn't experience it like this.

The last couple of months have FLOWN by. I have been pretty consumed with school. It seems like I live on this computer now days, trying to make sure I stay caught up, but it is going well. I am finishing my first class this Saturday (with a 97%), which means I only have 45 more weeks!!! :) Kev is so supportive of my schooling, which makes it much easier for me to go through. We have kind of decided that this school year will be spent subbing here and there for me. I thought I could work full time and do school, but Kev thinks I may be slightly nicer to be around if I just work part time... I can see his point.

Kevin has been busy as well. He finished our terrible front yard, and then started building us a shed/greenhouse. We have some citrus plants that cannot be left outside during the winter, and I like to try and weather over as many as my other plants as possible, so a greenhouse was something I really wanted. Kev gets so sick of all of our deck furniture and yard stuff being in his garage over the winter while he is trying to work on other projects, so a shed for that stuff was perfect for him! Because of the weather, the work on this project has just been done whenever there is a nice day. As soon as it's painted, I will post pictures because it is the cutest little shed ever!

We celebrated my 27th Birthday this month, which was wonderful. It is however, hard to believe that a year ago we sat in our doctor's office talking about the things we could do to try and help with this whole pregnancy stuff, and here we are, a year later, doing the same thing. The positive news is that we were FINALLY given a fertility doctor, and the process is going to change and skip to some more drastic measures here real soon. They think we have tried enough that we should be able to skip some things and move on. Both Kev and I are feeling so hopeful yet again. It's funny, I read the blogs from a year ago and they sound so similar to what I sit here and write now. If someone had told me we would still be here, a year later, last year, I would have probably ripped their eyes out. And now, I still have new hope, but cannot believe we have made it through as long as we have.

I have more to write about, but I will wait until I am not so tired! Thanks so the people who read this, and tell me how much they enjoy it :) It means a lot to me!

Oh blog, where do I begin?

I have been a really bad blogger. I haven't meant to, in fact I have opened this website a million times this summer... and then closed it again. It just didn't feel like the right time. But lately, I have been forced into doing some re-evaluating of me, and my life, and now it feels right.

So, wwaayyy back in June, Kev and I found out that our 14 month journey had come to an end. We were finally going to be parents! We were beyond elated. I can't even describe the relief and excitement for both of us, and really everyone who is close to us. But a few weeks later I suffered through an extremely painful miscarriage. My world crumbled around me, around both of us really. I have never felt such a dark, horrible place. It was truly awful. BUT our amazingly supportive family and selected friends (who knew about the pregnancy) surrounded us in love, and kind words, and, along with a quick trip to the beach to get us all out of the house, we very very slowly healed. Kevin was so sad, but became the most amazingly strong man I have ever seen. He put his own hurt aside and took such good care of me. It was only after I had started healing (and after the miscarriage appt that was made originally to be the first time we heard our baby's heartbeat) that I decided I needed to find something positive in this horrible experience, and I was able to find so many things that it really became what helped heal my broken heart.

I won't share all of those things, because whoever is reading this is probably already bored, but basically I realized that Kevin and my marriage can withstand anything. I think we so easily begin to take each other for granted and at this moment in my life it was blinding just how truly amazing he is, and we are together. Also the other huge thing I realized was that my friends/co-workers/family are astonishingly amazing. Truly the best. And even though I avoided all of your phone calls for a little while, I did listen to your messages as soon as they came in, and I cried because you are all so thoughtful and caring. I am a lucky, lucky woman. Thank you.

Life moved on. With lots more doctor appointments and more plans and prescriptions for fertility drugs. WE moved on. Together. We were able to spend a wonderful weekend with Kevin's family in Bend celebrating my beautiful sister-in-law's wedding. And we had a blast! It felt good to forget, if only for a weekend. And we celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary, as usual style for Kev and I, doing something terrifying! Things were looking up.

Then comes the end of August... Another really rough time. I found out that I, again, was not pregnant and then later that day-that I had not gotten the job that I was hoping and praying for. It was a bad, bad day. And you know what's funny? It was those same people who got me through earlier this summer, who were again on my team. I can't lie, I am still devastated that I won't be returning to my old school, I will miss everyone terribly, but it was another time where I had to decide to find something bright before it all got too dark to handle.

And so, with my loyal husband (and really dogs too, since we spent a few hours that night sitting on a bench at the dog park drinking coffee, crying, and figuring out life) we decided maybe this happened so that I can have one last time to do other things, like finish school... It only made sense that the next day I applied for Graduate School at Concordia University. Then, the next day, my computer died and we had to go buy a new one so that I could even make the application deadline. Seriously. Anyways, that will start on September 18th, and even though I don't have a job and am investing 20,000 dollars more into my education, I know this is as good as time as ever! I keep telling myself maybe something better will come along, let me just say first- nothing could be better than working as a team with Heather (because I know now, that you read this :)) but maybe it's time to spread my wings and move on to other districts.

Luckily for us, financially we don't depend on my checks. We use them to pay things off and travel on, and with subbing to fall back on, we may still get to do a few trips this year. We are blessed that we don't have the added stress of "what are we going to do" that so many others feel when they don't get a job. And really, with school, subbing will work out perfectly because I don't have to work on days that I have other things to do. So there, see, it did work out the way it was supposed to!

The purpose of writing this isn't to complain, or to make people feel sorry for us, but a way for me to reflect. I have thought so much about myself and the life we live lately, and I am actually thankful for the summer we have had because it makes me want to be better. I want to be "that friend" for my friends who have been there for me, and I want to be the wife that Kev deserves. I want to focus on being a positive, truthful, happy person who is worried about others, and happy for them when something good happens. It is my time to start returning favors and support. And I am glad!

There have been a lot of obstacles thrown out in front of us this last couple of months, and honestly, I never thought I was good at hurdling, but I know one thing, I'm getting better!

I am a planner. To the last detail. Period. But I have learned that sometimes that just doesn't work. A hard, hard lesson for me. Even though I don't know the plans for Kev and I right now, I know whatever they turn out to be, we will be there together, and for that I could not be more thankful!

May Day!

 I just realized that I never blogged my Rahja Maye's 5th birthday! I feel like a bad mommy. We have been so busy lately that I have let things slip a little. SO here goes...

So once again, we decided to do a Humane Society walk to celebrate Rahja's special day, and this time we were able to do the one in Portland that raises money for the shelter that she actually came from, so that was really cool for us. Since she was shelter alumni she also got a cute little alumni bandana (which made Nala a little sad). The weather held up all day and we got to hit up the Saturday market on the way back! 

It was a BUSY 2.5 mile walk, but the girls did amazingly. Even Nala, who is not fond of other dogs, suffered through it for her sister :)

We cherish all the fun things we are able to do with these two little furry loves, because they are such good girls!!!

I love these three!!!

After the walk all of Rahja's friends came over for cupcakes! What a chaotic mess this house was!

Really these birthdays are just a way to get our family together and enjoy our "furry children." I can't imagine what life would be like without having a dog around!