Oh blog, where do I begin?

I have been a really bad blogger. I haven't meant to, in fact I have opened this website a million times this summer... and then closed it again. It just didn't feel like the right time. But lately, I have been forced into doing some re-evaluating of me, and my life, and now it feels right.

So, wwaayyy back in June, Kev and I found out that our 14 month journey had come to an end. We were finally going to be parents! We were beyond elated. I can't even describe the relief and excitement for both of us, and really everyone who is close to us. But a few weeks later I suffered through an extremely painful miscarriage. My world crumbled around me, around both of us really. I have never felt such a dark, horrible place. It was truly awful. BUT our amazingly supportive family and selected friends (who knew about the pregnancy) surrounded us in love, and kind words, and, along with a quick trip to the beach to get us all out of the house, we very very slowly healed. Kevin was so sad, but became the most amazingly strong man I have ever seen. He put his own hurt aside and took such good care of me. It was only after I had started healing (and after the miscarriage appt that was made originally to be the first time we heard our baby's heartbeat) that I decided I needed to find something positive in this horrible experience, and I was able to find so many things that it really became what helped heal my broken heart.

I won't share all of those things, because whoever is reading this is probably already bored, but basically I realized that Kevin and my marriage can withstand anything. I think we so easily begin to take each other for granted and at this moment in my life it was blinding just how truly amazing he is, and we are together. Also the other huge thing I realized was that my friends/co-workers/family are astonishingly amazing. Truly the best. And even though I avoided all of your phone calls for a little while, I did listen to your messages as soon as they came in, and I cried because you are all so thoughtful and caring. I am a lucky, lucky woman. Thank you.

Life moved on. With lots more doctor appointments and more plans and prescriptions for fertility drugs. WE moved on. Together. We were able to spend a wonderful weekend with Kevin's family in Bend celebrating my beautiful sister-in-law's wedding. And we had a blast! It felt good to forget, if only for a weekend. And we celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary, as usual style for Kev and I, doing something terrifying! Things were looking up.

Then comes the end of August... Another really rough time. I found out that I, again, was not pregnant and then later that day-that I had not gotten the job that I was hoping and praying for. It was a bad, bad day. And you know what's funny? It was those same people who got me through earlier this summer, who were again on my team. I can't lie, I am still devastated that I won't be returning to my old school, I will miss everyone terribly, but it was another time where I had to decide to find something bright before it all got too dark to handle.

And so, with my loyal husband (and really dogs too, since we spent a few hours that night sitting on a bench at the dog park drinking coffee, crying, and figuring out life) we decided maybe this happened so that I can have one last time to do other things, like finish school... It only made sense that the next day I applied for Graduate School at Concordia University. Then, the next day, my computer died and we had to go buy a new one so that I could even make the application deadline. Seriously. Anyways, that will start on September 18th, and even though I don't have a job and am investing 20,000 dollars more into my education, I know this is as good as time as ever! I keep telling myself maybe something better will come along, let me just say first- nothing could be better than working as a team with Heather (because I know now, that you read this :)) but maybe it's time to spread my wings and move on to other districts.

Luckily for us, financially we don't depend on my checks. We use them to pay things off and travel on, and with subbing to fall back on, we may still get to do a few trips this year. We are blessed that we don't have the added stress of "what are we going to do" that so many others feel when they don't get a job. And really, with school, subbing will work out perfectly because I don't have to work on days that I have other things to do. So there, see, it did work out the way it was supposed to!

The purpose of writing this isn't to complain, or to make people feel sorry for us, but a way for me to reflect. I have thought so much about myself and the life we live lately, and I am actually thankful for the summer we have had because it makes me want to be better. I want to be "that friend" for my friends who have been there for me, and I want to be the wife that Kev deserves. I want to focus on being a positive, truthful, happy person who is worried about others, and happy for them when something good happens. It is my time to start returning favors and support. And I am glad!

There have been a lot of obstacles thrown out in front of us this last couple of months, and honestly, I never thought I was good at hurdling, but I know one thing, I'm getting better!

I am a planner. To the last detail. Period. But I have learned that sometimes that just doesn't work. A hard, hard lesson for me. Even though I don't know the plans for Kev and I right now, I know whatever they turn out to be, we will be there together, and for that I could not be more thankful!