Struggles

I have not been blogging for one reason... I don't have the thing that I so badly want to be blogging about. 


For many, many months Kevin and I have been keeping a big secret from almost everyone we know. I have been ashamed and embarrassed and felt pretty much alone. As I was reading someone else's blog this morning I realized, I need this; I need to have a place to talk and vent my troubles, to sort through my thoughts and to hopefully gain support and strength. 


Since April of last year Kev and I have been trying to get pregnant. I went about it kind of like this: 
I will go off birth control in April. I will get pregnant in Aug or Sept. I will have a baby right near the last weeks of school. I will have all summer off with my new little bundle of joy, then go back to work.
Well... The only part of this plan that seemed to go correctly was the stopping birth control in April.


I didn't worry for a long time. Not until about November did it become something that started to consume me. I think this is because around November EVERYONE I KNOW (and I am honestly not exaggerating) was either announcing pregnancy or new babies. This became a really hard thing to listen to, when I knew that we have been secretly trying for months and were getting nothing. I started to worry that maybe something was wrong, and insisted that we go get everything checked out. My husband, being the amazing man that he is, went right along with this plan, and we spent Thanksgiving break being poked and prodded and delivering "things" to be tested :) In fact I drove to the doctors on Thanksgiving morning to make a drop off for testing. All of this being done with only a selected few (maybe three) of my friends knowing. I just felt too ashamed to tell anyone in our families yet. Once we received the results though, my feelings changed.


A few days after our tests we got a letter with the results, asking us to come in for an appointment. I was excited and terrified. We found out that everything with Kev was totally fine, but a few tests of mine made our dr (who is a wonderfully warm woman) believe that I wasn't ovulating. I was distraught at hearing this because of the struggles one of our friends had recently had due to this same issue, and I just couldn't keep it to myself anymore. I had to share all of this with the one person (besides Kev) that I tell everything too, because it was simply too much to keep in anymore. We made the choice to share the information with my mom, even though I wanted more than anything to surprise her with a pregnancy announcement, I now knew this was going to be a much longer road than we once thought. 


I am not sharing to receive sympathy, because through this journey you would not believe some of the stories I have heard from other women, but I am sharing just to share. I feel like I have been hiding information, or keeping too many secrets. I hope that more of you can shed light on our situation, and share with me your stories so that this becomes an even less alone of a feeling. The one thing I request that no one says to me is "just relax and don't think about it and it will happen" this is a VERY annoying thing to hear when you have a biological clock ticking so loudly that you can't seem to hear anything else. Women who have been through this and can relate know, there is simply no way to not think about it, and the women who have not experienced having to truly want and WAIT for a baby simply cannot relate to the feeling. 


I don't want this to become my identity, but it is something that is beginning to be a part of who I am, and when I hear of someone else who is going though or has been through this, I automatically feel bonded. I want to shed light for others that is it nothing to feel ashamed of, and that once talked about maybe I will feel less pressure and less like I have too much locked up inside. 


More tests this month, and maybe more answers next month... As I sit here typing I am still not sure that I want to publish this for anyone to see, but it feels good to write about it. I realize while reading some friends of mine's blogs that things could be much worse, I could be losing a child, or dealing with a sick spouse, and I have neither of those things to worry about. This is something that I am trying to look at as a speedbump, and not a road block. It is taking us more time than expected, but I know in the end the joy will be unlike anything either of us has experienced. I can't wait to share the news with all of you that the wait is over... someday. 


Oh and for those of you who have been such an amazing support system until this point... Keeping it secret from anyone else, and letting me talk about it until you probably cannot stand to hear one more thing- You are greatly appreciated. Really. You have been my sanity. And probably Kevin's too, as then we can talk about other things together :)
Some of you even brave asking me about it... To which you probably get more than you wanted as a response. Thank you again.

"A friend is someone who is there for you when she'd rather be anywhere else." 

- Len Wein 

It's been a while...

It has been a long time since I have blogged. Life has just been so busy around here that I am having a hard time keeping up with anything that is not work related, but I need to try harder to do that. So here is a quick update on what we have been up to here at the O'Neil house...
October was filled with my birthday celebrations, conference week at work, a trip to the pumpkin patch, Halloween parties and parades at school, Halloween at home (carving pumpkins and decorating) and time with family home from out of town.
November has flown by thus far, we have celebrated John's birthday, my brother's birthday, Kev sold his truck and is shopping for a new one, Kev finished the bar in the basement, we finally got the basement looking like we live there (with pictures and what not), Kev and his Dad are putting windows in our living room this week, and are getting ready to host our first Thanksgiving at our house.
It is a busy, busy, busy life, but it is one that I would not change for the world. With the holiday season approaching it is a good time to remember all of the things I am thankful for, and here are a few-

My husband- I sometimes have to remind myself how lucky I am to have him because it is something that I just get used to. It is hard to not take your spouse for granted, but it is something I try to remember everyday. I honestly believe that I married THE most amazing man in this universe (and I know everyone says this, but mine is actually true) :) and I feel so incredibly lucky to have found someone who I connect so well with on (almost) every level. He and I share the same visions for our future together, and are both willing to put the work in to get us to where we want to be.

My family- Or should I say OUR families. Kevin and I were blessed with family who are close and involved in each others lives, and we wouldn't want it any other way. Family is our biggest support system, and I truly cherish the two sets we have.

My friends- Even though we may not get to spend much time together, when Kev and I do finally coordinate schedules with our friends we always leave saying "they are so much fun to be around." There aren't a lot of friendships that you leave every single time with a gut ache from laughing, and feeling so positive and revived, but somehow Kev and I ended up with all sets of those kinds of friends!

My job- Well actually I appreciate both Kevin and my jobs. We both get to go to work and do something we love. And we also both get to bring home paychecks that support the lifestyle we want to live. This is a true blessing in these terrible economic times. Plus, we are enjoying getting some things paid off during this time of having "DINK" status. (Double income, no kids)

My dogs- You knew I couldn't complete this without mentioning them right? :) I love these little furry creatures so stinking much. I know they are hairy, smelly, dirty, expensive, and cause us to lose many of hours of sleep, but their unconditional love trumps all of these things.

So, take a minute and think about the things in your life that are going right. Even when you have a terrible day, and things seem dark and gloomy, these things will still be there. We just have to remember to look for them!

Welcome October!

Well tomorrow marks the one month of school mark. I seriously cannot believe that we have gone an entire month! It now just seems like a job, and I actually sleep at night and am not up worrying.
This last month I have learned SO much, and hopefully grown as a person, and as a teacher. I have also fallen in love... with 31 little smiling faces.
Today we were walking down the hall on our way to PE, and my principal walked past us and said "oh my word, this is the best looking second grade line I have EVER seen... Honestly! Who's kids are these?!?! Are these your kids?" And I smiled and said that yes, they were mine and at the same time I was watching every one of those 31 faces turn around and look at me with the biggest, proudest smile... I couldn't help but get a little teary. I am so proud of every accomplishment they make. I have totally turned into a mother goose. At the same time though, I am equally disappointed when they do something they know not to do, or let me down in any way (and this happens often because I have very high expectations for them). I am excited when a child I don't expect to get the answer shares it correctly, and out loud, and when I listen during "think, pair, share" time to the way they are learning from each other, I am truly amazed. They are wise beyond their years, and have no idea how many times a day I learn something from them! I tell them daily how proud they make me, and how the things they do (like today using amazing descriptive words in their writing) makes my heart feel warm and fuzzy.
Not everyday is "warm and fuzzy", by any means. And not every behavior is cute, at all. But I have only had one day in this entire crazy, busy, overwhelming, unknown, stressful month, so I consider that a step in the right direction!
I think it is truly a blessing to enjoy what you do. And I know that I have been given that blessing. I am doing what I was made to do, and that feels good. Plus I have the most amazing support system a girl could ever ask for in my hubby, who has spent hours this past month grading papers and working in my classroom.
Speaking of him... THE YARD IS FINISHED!!!!!!! Yay for Kevin Thomas!!! He spent six long months transforming our yard into an amazing place for kids, dogs, and adults to hang out in! We have a fantastic garden and flat ground with little sprouts of beautiful green grass popping up everywhere! It is so exciting for us! I cannot wait to have a big party next summer in our huge new yard. He is so far beyond words... I can't even explain the way he gets things done for his family. I am a lucky lucky girl.
So this wraps up our last month, and hopefully next month we will have more to talk about than just work and the yard, and I think we will. I see my life getting more back to normal now that I feel like I am getting a handle on stuff in my room. And I think we both need a little much needed get-away, so we are heading to the beach with the doggies on Saturday just to go somewhere for the day. It will be nice to spend some time just the four of us with no papers to grade or seeds to water!  :)
Hope fall finds everyone well and warm. Can I just say... I love October!

Summer Sun is Fading.

It is a weekend full of mixed emotions here at the O'Neil house. Tuesday marks the first day of school, and the first day that I will be working full time in quite some time. As this approaches it feels like a good time to reflect on this now, past summer, and move forward onto some exciting, uncharted territories.

This summer was a whirlwind for us. It began so quickly with us leaving on June 27th for almost three weeks in Europe. Those three weeks were unlike anything I have ever experienced, and made Kevin and I even stronger together than we were before. We have no memory of Europe that does not make us smile. We thank our lucky stars every day that we had the opportunity to experience something like that at this age, and even more importantly, together.

When we got home there was little sleep. We left our home with the backyard in ruins, and various paint colors splatted on our walls. These were all things that we needed to tend to before summer ended. I must say it has been non-stop craziness around here since the day we returned, but due to my amazing husbands work ethic, things got finished. There has been a total remodel inside our house, with turning our living room into a formal living space, moving the tv into the brand new "man cave" in the basement, moving the spare bedroom downstairs, moving the workout room and painting all of these new spaces. And once you step on our amazing deck it feels like you have been placed in an entirely different yard than what used to be here. Here are some before and current pictures...

As you can tell from these pictures we lived on a pretty horrible, steep hill before.

There was really no usable space due to the incline.

NOW it looks like this....

Now this side is flat enough to put in all kinds of fun things to do in a yard... Swing-sets, pools, etc. 

So all we still need is some topsoil and grass seed and we will have a beautiful, FLAT, yard. My husband is every bit amazing! And our girls cannot wait to actually have a yard to play in. 

But besides all the work we have done this summer we have had some of the worst weather I have ever seen during a summer vacation, which has made it not so enjoyable, and we have had to say goodbye to a loved one, and my kitty cat that I got when I was eight. 

Saying goodbye to Grandpa Jim was extremely hard for both Kevin and I. Many of you know he lived right down the hill from us and visiting him was something we did often. When we lived in our little house not a day passed when Grandpa Jim didn't drive by and honk and wave. He was at our house for every party we had, and when Rahja was an only child and needed a good babysitter to watch her while I was at work (she had an injury that had to be watched constantly) there was nowhere she loved more then sitting at Grandpas feet watching tv with him. He was funny, full of life, giving and sweet. He loved my girls and my cookies, so he instantly won a place with me :) I will miss him every time I bake (knowing that I can no longer run it down to him while it is still warm) and every time we pass by his street. He touched so many people and he will never be forgotten. He would, and probably is, so very proud of Kevin's work in the yard. He kept good tabs on how far along Kev had got by doing drive-bys, but complained that it was hard to see everything that had changed from the road... I know now he has the best view of the project.

After that heartache came another small milestone in Kevin and my life together, our three year wedding anniversary. Every year we try and do something that kind of puts us in a spot where we don't feel entirely comfortable and have to trust that the other is going to be there for us (or jump with us). Year one was sky diving, year two was letting Kevin plan a surprise trip with no help or hints from me, and this year we decided to go bungee jumping to celebrate... It must be his looks that are always able to talk me into these horribly scary adventures. It was an absolute blast and, once again, reminded us how lucky we are to have each other.

    

Now things around here have done a 180 and changed from fun and house stuff, to classroom and work stuff. I am nervous, excited, overwhelmed, anxious, inspired, hopeful and terrified about the upcoming task, but know that I have an incredible team of supporters that I will be able to lean on. It's going to be an adjustment in our lives to have me gone so much, but I know that I will enjoy every minute of doing what I love to do. There are so many things for me to be thankful for, and having a job I love, with a family who supports that is something I cherish. 

So, happy end of summer for you all... hope it has been a wonderful one for all of you, and good luck to all my friends who will be returning to work this week for another exciting school year!

A good teacher is like a candle - it consumes itself to light the way for others.  ~Author Unknown

Back to real life...

We have been home for two weeks today and it feels like much, much longer than that! It is so hard to give up vacation life, even when it is summer vacation for me, it's just the whole feeling of traveling with the man I love, seeing things we have never seen and experiencing new things together! Not that I am complaining about the life Kevin and I live, because it could be so so much harder, but vacationing is just amazingly blissful.
So our "real life" has been jam packed these last two weeks! When we got home we both had family from out of town here visiting and although we were exhausted we tried to spend some time with both of those families. Kevin has been trying to catch up on trade shifts that he owed to people due to the traveling, we painted our living room and dinning room, bought new furniture, continue to work in the yard, and are working on planning our next trip. In between all this we have been going to my moms to use her new pool, and hanging out on either ours or our neighbors' deck in the evenings. The neighbor and I also organized the first X Street Block Party and got the word out about that!
So if you have not seen a lot of us, this is why. Because we missed a whole month of summer we have just been attempting to get back to the place where we would normally be at this point in the summer. Now that we are feeling like we have caught back up it's time to start on everything else that will be coming up in life soon, like for me, preparing my classroom that will be filled with 29 six year olds on August 30th and Kevin would like to assure everyone "Do not worry. After a long detour, work on the yard will resume shortly."
Hope everyone else has been enjoying their summers, and we hope to get to see you all very soon!

Our last night...

Just when you think the hype has ended it starts again!!! Today was the welcome home event for the soccer team and it was just as wild and crazy of a day as Sunday was!! 
We could not believe the amounts of people who have returned sporting their orange gear to catch a glimpse if their favorite team. We were going to rent a canal bike to tour some of the 62 miles of canals, but due to the soccer team going to the center via boat in the canal, they were not renting today. Most of the canals were closed down and to be honest it might have been really embarrassing pedaling our boat down canals lined with thousands and thousands of people.
Instead we went to a firestation and visited then walked through the famous square where all the parties have been, and are still, going on! Next we headed to a park to sit and read in the sunshine.
It just so happened we were walking home as the boat with the players was traveling under the bridge we were crossing so I jumped on Kevs shoulders and snapped a couple of quick pictures! Nice timing seeing how most of the people had been standing there for four hours! 
Now we are in our room getting ready to pack for the final time. It's a weird feeling. Some sadness to know that our dream of spending time in Europe has come to an end, some excitement to get home, see everyone, sleep in our own bed, work in our yard and just go back to normal life, and some dread to sit in a tiny little awful airplane seat for another 13 hours :( 
This morning at breakfast we spent time reflecting on all the things this trip has brought us. We had to sit and think (and read the blog) to even remember all of the things we have done and seen these last three weeks and everyone of them brought smiles to our faces. Kevin said he has been reminded what's important in life, and that his truck, without four wheel drive really isn't as life ruining as it felt before :) He said it is so easy to get wrapped up in silly things and make big deals out of things that really don't matter when your home. Once you have the opportunity to remove yourself from the situation you can get a clearer look at what is really important. He also has regained excitement for working on our yard and house with this much needed break that he so deserved. I have been reminded just how great Kevin and I are together. When placed in a situation where its just him and I, with no distractions- no phone calls, barely any Internet or tv, no friends, no family and maybe most impact of all, no dogs, we still have so much fun and laugh and i've remembered how fun it is to just sit and talk to each other. I understand the importance of traveling together, especially once you have kids, more now than ever! There have been many of stressful situations and compromises on this trip and somehow we have made it through them all without ever putting a damper on our trip. Sure, we argue, but as the couple who had been married over 50 years that we met in Ireland told us "People who don't argue have no excitement in their lives. There is no way two people can or should agree all the time!" So among many many other things this trip has done for us, it has reminded me of what a great team Kevin and I make and how lucky I am to have found such an amazing man to spend my life with. We truly feel blessed for this opportunity and amazing experience! 
I appreciate all of you who have followed our journey and shared you excitement and enthusiasm with us! Without all o your support this trip may have been more difficult for us! We cannot wait to share our almost 1,000 pictures (no Patti, I will not be scrapping all of these!) with anyone who dares to ask! And we are so excited to see everyone again! It's been a long time!!! 
Thanks again! See some of you tomorrow!!! Bon-voyage! 

Rainy Monday in Amsterdam

Well today started out a little, actually more like a lot, wet. We went into a store and came out to a monsoon!!! We decided we could go sit in our room, or buy umbrellas and move on. Seeing as how the forecast called for rain the entire day we decided to get ourselves umbrellas and keep moving! 
We walked to the fire station up the road and tried to visit so Kevin could trade a shirt like he did in Dublin, but no one came to the door, so we walked around and looked in the bay doors where we found the all out back laying on floaties in a blow up pool... Looked like typical firefighter business to me. We might try to go buy there again tomorrow.
Next we walked to the Heineken brewery and found some great souvenirs! And right down the road from that was a street market that we walked through and got these delicious little dough ball things covered in powdered sugar and butter. We don't know what they were, but they were yummy! 
We went to dinner and walked around town some more this evening noticing the drastic change in atmosphere compared to yesterday. There is no sign if people in orange anymore, the banners have all been removed and the streets have all been cleaned of beer cans and bottles. Life has returned to normal for these people, and it was a nice welcome change for us today. One day of excitement was plenty.
We have settled down and are beginning to run pretty low on energy. Plus the weather today made us feel like we were home and it made us both think about our little girls all day long. We could not be more ready to smooch those two!! 
Tomorrow is going to be sunny again and we have a few more things on our list to do (that we couldn't do today in the rain), and then we will be packing to come home. We are feeling ready now to be at our house and have life back to normal, but we will enjoy our last day to it's fullest!! 
See you all soon!