Shots, pills and more shots...

So sorry~ I have been meaning to update you fine folks but the time in my world has been FLYING by and somehow it has already been a week since the last time I blogged... How does that happen????

Anywho- School is out, and that is a wonderful thing seeing how our dr appts have been changed to EVERY STINKIN MORNING. No joke. Let me explain our current situation.

We had our appt on the 15th and were told that all was well, start the shots the next day. That morning I was nervous and excited to get going, but when "shot time" (which is now a real time used to plan things around) rolled around; I got a little sweaty and shaky. Kev stood and walked me through the entire process (thank God for him and his knowledge of giving shots) of mixing this vial with that, into that one, then change the needle, then let it sit. This particular one sits for 15 minutes to reduce the burning while injecting it. (Reduce mind you, not eliminate)... With all that said, it was not near as bad or scary as I was picturing putting a needle into my stomach. And ever since, it has been smooth sailing,three times daily. Some days they hurt worse than others, some they bleed worse than others, some I have done in the car while Kev drives down the freeway, but mostly, I feel like an experienced junky. We have a lifetime supply of needles lying around our house and alcohol wipes is a normal bathroom toiletry now. It's strange, but our new norm.

The only glitch we have come across is no surprise to anyone; mostly not to my lovely doctor. Goes something like this... On that Friday when I went in, my hormone level was 39 and looked good. The next Tuesday shortly after we left I got a phone call saying that my levels were a little high, as the measured slightly over 800! I was shocked and a little scared. Levels growing this quickly are a first sign of that nasty thing OHSS, (did you Google it yet?) that they were so worried about with me to begin with. Fast forward to today (two days later) and that same hormone level is now 2495!!!! Not good. At all. So high that we run a huge chance of being cancelled on at this point. They are very concerned about my health, especially if I were to get pregnant. So, doses are changing, shots are being swapped for others, appts have been downgraded from every other, to every day, and mine and Kev's guards are up. At this point there is nothing I can physically do to help this to go back to where it should be, however they said I need to start drinking boatloads of liquids asap to try and help myself to not dehydrate from what my ovaries are currently pulling on me.

This obviously is not the news we wanted to hear, and we are both a little scared about it, however, I feel great! I have no symptoms, no side effects except a bruised up tummy, I sleep fine, I'm not gaining weight (yet) and I refuse to let my body decide to change that. We have come too far to stop now, and I will do everything in my power to use mind over matter to get this body in a safe enough place to put those little eggies back inside.

I know all I do is ask for prayers and support, but I know it helps! You are all amazing and appreciated!!! Right now, we are looking at next Tuesday or Wednesday for a retrieval date for all those 30 eggs that are growing like crazy! And if I can do anything about it, it will be smooth sailing until then! Cross your fingers.

Thanks again!!!!!

Big day tomorrow

Tomorrow is a day of mixed emotions... It marks the one year anniversary of our devastating loss, and a day of big tests that my body has to pass in order to continue on with this round of IVF. I am nervous, stressed, worried, anxious, saddened, and will hopefully be too busy to feel the heartbreak that I have been avoiding feeling for the past year.

Luckily, with my morning starting at 5, my dr appt at 7 in Portland, making it to work by 8 to have "camp" for 24 all day, including a hot dog lunch in the classroom, I think I will be so busy and exhausted that I will not even have time to think... I hope.

So if you could... Keep us in your thoughts tomorrow. We would appreciate it as it's kind of a big/tough day for us.

Thanks!

First off, thank you to all of those who have contacted me in some way to offer support. I appreciate each and every one of you. Your kind words touch my heart, and make me tear up every single time. :)

We are doing great!!! First part of IVF (the suppression phase) is almost over already! The birth control, which I was worried about because I have had somewhat nasty side effects in the past, has been a breeze! As for the other 5 pills I am currently taking... Nothin. It has been wonderful. Not even tummy problems. I am so very thankful.

It is so helpful too, that it is the end of the school year and I am buried in things to do for the next two weeks. Keeps me good and distracted, and doesn't allow for sickness or over thinking of things. Which, honestly... I need sometimes.

I start a new drug on Monday, which is known for causing insomnia... so that could be scary. Then a doctor appt on Friday morning (the 15th) to make sure that everything shut down the way it was supposed to. If all looks good (please cross fingers, say prayers, or send thoughts... whatever you do) we start injections on Saturday the 16th. That is when it could all get a little scary. :) However, we are just so excited and ready to be doing this, that I have just made up my mind that I am not going to let things affect me. I am going through this with a positive outlook and a determined mindset. We consider ourselves lucky, if you can believe that, that we have the means, and the support and love for each other to even try this route.

I'll update again next week! Thank you again, I can feel your support every day!!!!

Warning....

For any of you that read this I wanted to warn you... Our blog is going to take a drastic change for the next two months. If you have no interest in reading day after day about my experience with In-Vitro Fertilization, then I suggest not checking in for a few months.

After talking with Kev, I decided that this would be my safe place of refuge from this whole thing. A place, not only to dump my thoughts, worries, concerns, but a place to track my journey and to be able to look back and remember what we have been through together. So, it begins...

Day 1 of IVF comes with an overwhelming sense of excitement but an equal amount of fear. To be terrified doesn't even do it justice. How will my body react to all of these drugs and injections? How will I handle stabbing myself in the stomach twice a day? How will our bank account bounce back? What will we do if it doesn't work (something we have not even been able to talk about yet). What if it does work and then we miscarry again? What if it works and I go on bed rest (I think I would off myself). How will we deal with the stress of going through this, and then the stress of worrying if it actually works? Should I be excited, or is too soon to feel that way??? Hopeful- 70% is good odds, however, I have always prided myself with being in the top (and smaller) percentage of things... Is this my 30%? These are just a few of my thoughts tonight as I swallow my first birth control pill in three years. "Birth control?" you say. Oh yes... Very tricky business this IVF world.

Turns out that the doctor is very concerned about me getting OHSS (scary stuff, Google it) which basically means they set my ovaries into overdrive that causes them to freak out and start leaking, which causes large amounts of fluid to collect in my tummy and can create thickened blood (also very not good) ANYWHO, in order to help avoid that they put my lovely little ovaries "to sleep" for two weeks before we get started. This is so that they will turn themselves off until I start injecting them with hormones. Helps the doctors to have more control, and therefore, less chances of OHSS (cross your fingers). I have a wonderful doctor, who is going to keep a VERY close eye on me, so I am resting my worries about this in his hands. Plus, he told us himself that making babies is his superpower, and we have been waiting for two and a half years to find someone with that superpower, so I think I'll let him be in charge!! ;)

Isn't science amazing?

So, jump on the train!!!! Next stop, injections training!!! Woot woot!!!

O'Neil Happenings

What a crazy life! Whew! Lately it has just been non-stop around these parts, but it is almost time for a break (17 more days to be exact)!

We have just been loving life with our girls (and the sunshine), celebrating holidays with our families, running, doing homework, yard work, planning trips and trying to catch up on our DVR. Here are some most recent life happenings in photos...

Nala Jaye turned four years old! She is the sweetest little pup ever. She also just gave us a mighty big scare with the threat of bone cancer, but all is well, and she is cancer free!

Rahja Maye celebrated her sixth birthday! I simply cannot believe that this little love is six years old... Kevin and my first baby who we have learned so very much from.

 

Isn't this cute?!?!

Made by my second graders for Earth Day. Around it they made promises to the Earth of how they will help to keep it a clean and healthy place. They are just too darn precious. Seriously. I am going to really miss this group of kiddos!

 Hopefully, next year will bring me a job, with a room full of kids just as great as these ones! We are at the waiting it out point right now, so maybe we will know something soon...

Also... This is what the first day of IVF looks like... Who wants to join?

YEP... That is 3,100 dollars worth of drugs sitting on my dinning room table. OUCH. 

Here's to a smooth trip down this road!!!! :)



 (I'll keep you updated)

Thinkin

Something came to me today while sitting around reading blogs to fill my time...

My favorite blogs are by mom's who write about their lives raising children. Not ALWAYS about their kids, but life in general, and the ups and downs of parenting. They are honest and forthcoming. They don't pretend like they love their lives every single day, and I respect that. Lately though, they have all been talking about the days they dream of having. Getting up whenever their body feels like, eating breakfast at a slow pace and sitting and reading while drinking coffee, watching their TV shows all the way through without distractions, reading, taking a long shower, having an afternoon to themselves, going on a walk sans kids, having an adult conversation without interruptions etc.

Cut to my day... Got out of bed at 7 because I was bored laying there, drank coffee that my husband made before he left for work while reading things online, decided to bath my dogs and then take a long warm shower, took my time getting ready, went to the library, did two loads of laundry, packed for a little getaway we are going on tomorrow, read magazines, shopped online, sat outside in the sun with my dogs for two hours drinking more coffee, talked on the phone, and now sitting in bed blogging. I was so mopey and pathetic because I had had such a boring lonesome day.

Fast-forward to my epiphany while reading blogs this afternoon. Women with lives full of children have the life I can't wait to have. BUT I have the life that women with kids dream of. As lonesome as it may seem on the days that Kev is gone, my life is amazing, and I will forever be able to look back at these days longingly. I need to learn to embrace that. I need to stop rushing through this part of my life, because I will not ever get these days back.

Moral- I AM BLESSED.

Keep truckin.

I guess I never realized that people actually read this blog. It's always just been a place for me to "dump" my thoughts, and never really meant for lots of people to see. But, what do ya know?? People do enjoy reading it! Stranger things have happened.

So, behind, like usual is where I am. Long story short- work, homework, sleep. That sums up my last three months. Feel better now? You are informed.


Ok, there have maybe been a few more things, but that is the gist of it.

Work is wonderful and exhausting at the same time. My kids are so funny, and say the cutest things daily, but just being there all day and dealing with normal teacher dealings can be very tiring. I come home worn out and ready to veg, only to find I have two papers due. I attempt to get ahead, but with online schooling, that is almost impossible unless everyone else wants to be ahead too (which they do not). For the most part I am dealing well with managing the stress of school along with work, but it isn't without sacrifices from both me and my most awesomest hubby. I may be absent from some family functions, and most all social functions, but the real changes have been the ones Kevin has been willing to make to help me not feel so in over my head. I say it everytime, but I wouldn't be able to handle this if it weren't for him (and maybe for Rodka, our newly appointed cleaning lady)!!! As I look down the tunnel I can see the halfway point, which feels amazing!

As for the other part of our life that I usually update on, we have had quite the whirlwind couple of months. Beginning in November we underwent three rounds of IUI's. For those of you unfamiliar with the "infertility lingo," that means Intro Uterine Insemination. Need more explanation? How's "turkey baster?" Yep. Three rounds of that, mixed with new meds led us to nothing. And still absolutely no explanation or sign of problems. We were allowed four tries, but after the third procedure the success rate changes from 20% to 6%. Awesome.

At this point in my story is where my mostly sunny outlook changes to a terrible storm. I lost hope. Completely. As we are now staring in the eyes of IVF (let me translate this one... hmmm $20,000.00 should work), and our last chance, my hope dissipated. As we got this news just over a week ago, it is still not something I am feeling good about. I threw in the towel that night, but my husband was there to pick up the pieces once again. I looked at it like this... If someone wanted me to gamble 20,000 dollars, even with a 50% success rate, I would not do it, no way. I can't sit and watch that money just go away. He looked at it more like this... We will find a way to make it work, and it is something we both want so badly that we can't give up now. I am still trying to get behind that idea.

So, guess this means we won't be traveling to Italy this summer. Which is sad for me to accept as well. And round 417 of tests and drugs begins shortly. I will be injecting myself this time, with all kinds of nasty hormones, so just a warning to my close friends and family on that front. And we will be figuring out money details as we go... As my wonderful friend has a bake sale in our honor, and we try to organize an egg feed at our house (get it?) ;) It is becoming more and more real. Kidding. We aren't fundraising. But joking makes it less scary.

This is not the road we saw for ourselves, but we have decided to hold on for the rest of this bumpy ride! At this point, I guess we are "all in."